Web Trek II: The Wrath of the Single Blogolope
It’s time for another viral story! Like the last two (here and here), we’ll stick with the ship theme. And, we’re going to do a sequel to the last one (here).
Hopefully, this time I won’t miss (m)any bloggers!!!
DISCLAIMER: The story below is fictional. Blog names and titles are used in a creative, fictional way and are not intended to be, nor should they be construed as, an accurate representation of any blogs or bloggers.
Web Trek II
Space, the Untwisted Vortex.
These are the Slyvisions of the U.S.S. Cariboo Ponderer.
Its One Man’s Goal: to Think Like Them, to Blog That Outside, to boldly Escape Job Hell!
Episode 2: “The Wrath of the Single Blogolope”
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Webdate 176.255.234.91.0208:28
In our last episode, in accordance with our mission of peace, we successfully annihilated the Digital Lost Boys in the Techie Zone and brought the ambassadors from the Lewis Empire and the Misdo Club to the Bamboo Nation peace conference.
Unfortunately, we never found the Lewis Empire’s ambassadors’ pet Blogolope which escaped from their care. But, I doubt that forgetting all about it and never looking for it again would ever pose a problem. After all, I filed my report, so it’s out of my hands now. If Webfleet wants to look for it, they can send someone. I’m sure the Blogolope won’t blame me. If you’re happy, I would be; from a distance is how I’m sure it feels.
As predicted, we left the Nerdy Nomad and ZIFF - The Blogger Who Asks Stupid Questions behind at Skittle’s Place. Syaf the Geek is still upset about losing his GPS Camera Phone.
“I am still upset about losing My GPS Camera Phone, sir,” said Lt. Commander Syaf.
“LOGGING!!!”
“Sorry, sir.”
Anyway, on our last journey, we lost Mr. Baconpants to a radiation overload or some such thing. We also took on a Brave New Traveler.
However, during the writers’ strike, as we were hanging out in the backlot, we discovered that Peter Sanchez dot Com, who played the Brave New Traveler, didn’t mesh well with the rest of the crew. So, he has been written out of the show. Also, despite the elaborate funeral and sending his body into the CHESSNOID nebula, Mr. Baconpants is back with us. We’re just going to go about things as if the last episode never happened.
Except for the Blogolope, of course, which I’m sure isn’t going to pose a continuity issue at all. Copywrite, Ink, James T. Kenibatz.
“That’s ‘Copyright’, no ‘Ink’, sir.”
“Thanks, Mr. Syaf.”
…Copywrite James T. Kenibatz.
“Idiot.”
“Did you say something, Mr. Syaf? Was logging and wasn’t paying attention.”
“No, sir.”
“Didn’t we use those lines last time, Mr. Syaf?”
“Yes, sir, but not all the writers have returned from vacationing, er, striking at The Kat House, so we’re having to do some recycling of lines. And plots.”
“I see,” replied the Captain. “So, what appears to be the problem this time, Mr. Syaf?”
“I think Mr. Baconpants can explain it best, sir.”
The Captain turned to Mr. Baconpants. “What is it, Mr. Baconpants?”
“Aye, Cap’n, the blogolope must’a weakened the Allscm.com shielding on the Webd360 matrix, ’cause the engineerin’ deck is flooded with Omicra, and we donna have enuf Komirad filters to a’sorb all that radiation.”
“Easy Tech Talk, Mr. Baconpants, easy on the tech talk,” replied the Captain.
“Aye, Cap’n. It means we’re all gonna die!”
“You said that last time, Mr. Baconpants. And you did die. But it was because of the CyberSurge caused by Rammel Firdaus, the sabetir sabotre sabitre guy who sabotaged the ship. He was with the Digital Lost Boys.”
“Aye Cap’n,” replied Mr. Baconpants. “But the Digital Lost Boys are all gone. This time it was the Blogolope. We gotta do something, eh?”
“Mr. Baconpants, are you Scottish or Canadian?”
“Aye, dunno, eh? I just read the script they give me! And the script says I oughtta say we’re all gonna die!”
* * * COMMERCIAL BREAK * * *
Is the grey hair in your beard or mustache making you look old?
Then shave it off you fool!
Geesh.
* * * END COMMERCIAL * * *
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Supplemental
Mr. Baconpants, Lt. Commander Syaf and I discussed our dire situation during the commercial break. Syaf made a joke about my toupee, so I had The Professional Assistant send him away.
“Cap’n,” said Mr. Baconpants. “Lt. Simply Fiona says that the Blogolope is on the comm and wants to speak with you, eh.”
“Is Lt. Fiona our new communications officer?”
“Yes, Cap’n.”
“Is she hot?”
“Aye, she’s Just a Girl in Short Shorts Talking About Whatever, but when she came aboard, there were High Fivez all around, eh.”
“Well, Mr. Baconpants, I sense that today I might just get A Lil Sumptin Sumptin, which will be like Just Another Day.”
“Aye, Cap’n,” said Mr. Baconpants. “For you anyway, eh.”
“But, wait, Mr. Baconpants, can our translators actually translate the language of animals?”
“Aye, wen it be conwenient fir da plot, sir.”
“What was that, Mr. Baconpants!? Russian? Ebonics?”
“Aye, I dunno, eh! I justa reada whatta dey whryte fir me ta say, eh. I justa donta dink dey’ve gotta’na feel fir me karaktir since da stryke’s dun been ower! Me justa do-a da best me kan wit wat dey givun me, no!”
“Mr. Baconpants, I think the writers are just phoning it in.”
“I, Cap’n,” replied Mr. Baconpants. “N da reesepshunist kant spel wert a darn neiter!”
“All right, Mr. Baconpants,” said the Captain. “Just take a Breather and tell Lt. Keeyit to patch the Blogolope through!”
“Aye, u meenin Lt. Fiona, eh, no?”
“What?”
“Newer mynd, Cap’n. Justa pressa a-button n go ahed n talk cos he’s ben waytin un hold, eh.”
“Oh, yes. I sometimes forget we have computers with AI’s. Press the button for me, Mr. Baconpants.”
“Aye, Cap’n. Me a-wondring y dey haven’t misspilled ur lynes so badly, eh?”
“I’m reading from the cue cards, Mr. Baconpants. I never memorize my lines.”
“Aye, Cap’n. Oh, I see them now. Okay, pressing the button now, Cap’n.” Mr. Baconpants jumped up and pressed the button for the Captain, who could have more easily reached it.
“Captain Kenibatz?” said the voice over the speaker.
“Yes?”
“Captain James T. Kenibatz?” asked the voice over the speaker.
“Yes?”
“Jim, my dear old friend.”
“I’m not your friend. We’ve never met,” responded the Captain.
“James, my dear old friend. You left me alone out there. You said you would come back.”
“I never said I’d come back,” replied the Captain.
“You never came back.”
“Again, we never met before,” insisted the Captain.
“Ah, James, my dear old friend. Did you know that revenge is a dish best served cold? Very, very cold. It’s very cold in space.”
“I’m in the mood for some Cheap Eats,” replied the Captain.
“I shall leave you as you left me,” said the voice over the speaker, which then paused for a moment. “Buried alive.”
“We left you in engineering,” said the Captain.
“Buried alive!” repeated the voice over the speaker.
“In space?” asked the Captain.
The voice over the speaker was silent.
“Does this sound familiar to you, Mr. Baconpants?” asked the Captain.
“Aye, Cap’n. It was probably in a movie,” said Mr. Baconpants.
“Is it the translator? Could something have been Loft in Translation, Mr. Baconpants?”
“No, sir, it’s Hollywood.”
“Explain, Mr. Baconpants.”
“There are only ten scripts in Hollywood, and they keep recycling them,” explained Mr. Baconpants. “We’re bound to end up places other men have gone before, sir.”
“Welcome to My World of Dreams, Mr. Baconpants.”
“Sir?”
“Where has the blogolope gone?” asked the Captain. “And aren’t we overdue for a small cliffhanger and a commercial break?”
“From Hades’ heart… I stab at thee. For hate’s sake I spit my last breath… at thee,” said the voice over the speaker.
“Well, sounds like we’re in for A Cheerful Day Ahead!” said the Captain.
* * * COMMERCIAL BREAK * * *
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* * * END COMMERCIAL * * *
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Supplemental
Security Chief Chris Bloczynski and I discussed our dire situation during the commercial break. He believes the Blogolope is a dangerous creature and beyond his expertise.
“I believe this creature is dangerous and beyond my expertise, Captain,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“I’m still logging here!” exclaimed the Captain.
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Still supplemental. Okay, where was I? Oh, Blah Blah Blog. I guess I was done.
“Yes, Mr. Bloczynski?” asked the Captain.
“I believe this creature is dangerous and beyond my expertise, Captain,” said Mr. Bloczynski, again.
“You said that already. Now, Following Forward, what do you suggest?”
“Well, sir, we could try some Loopy Gadgets from Gadget Junction and technobabble, but sooner or later the audience will realize we haven’t the foggiest idea what we’re talking about and complain that we’ve violated canon by using some Chill Technology that we’ve previously used for something else, or some such thing. I think the writers just make stuff up as we go along.”
“Very well, Mr. Bloczynski, so again I ask, what should we do?”
“Well, Captain, the Blogolope is certainly not The Alien Next Door we’re used to encountering. You know, the ones that look just like us, except they’ll have pointy ears, or ridged noses or bumpy foreheads or something.”
“Like the Barking Aardvark?” asked the Captain.
“No, sir, the barking aardvark was a barking aardvark. It wasn’t humanoid, sir.”
“But the Blog Duck, he was humanoid, right?”
“No, sir,” replied Mr. Bloczynski.
“What about the Laughing Ducks?”
“Those were still ducks, sir. Avians.”
“Avians, those are like humans, right? Just with feathers. Just people with feathers, isn’t that so, Mr. Bloczynski?” said the Captain.
“No, sir.”
“But the Cats with Thumbs, they were humanoids.”
“No, sir.”
“But they had thumbs,” the Captain retorted.
“They were cats, sir.”
“Avians?”
“No, sir. Cats are felines,” reported Mr. Bloczynski.
“What about the Atomik Kitten?”
“Still a cat, sir.”
“But, she could sing!”
“Still a cat.”
“What about The Happy Rock?”
Mr. Bloczynski sighed. “That was a rock, sir.”
“But, it was happy!”
“Yes, sir. And Totally-Useless..”
“Teach Me to Make Money Online, Mr. Bloczynski.”
“What about the Blogolope, Captain?”
“He can Grow Rich Along With Me!”
“The Blogolope wants to kill you, sir. He wants to destroy all of us.”
“Well, Something is Wrong with that plan then. Why don’t you suggest another? You’re the Security Chief. Secure the ship!”
“Yes, sir.”
Mr. Bloczynski sighed and left the Captain’s ready room.
“It’s like I’m on a ship of fools,” said the Captain to himself. “I Should Have Bred Iguanas.”
* * * COMMERCIAL BREAK * * *
Are you lonely and single?
“Yes,” replied the Blogolope.
What!? Who!? No, you’re in the show. You can’t be in the commercial.
“But, I’m lonely and single like you asked,” said the Blogolope.
No, but, you can’t be in the commercial. You’re in the show.
“I’ve been so lonely ever since my wife died. While we were abandoned by Kenibatz, she had this parasite go into her ear and consume her mind. It was horrible.”
You were trapped in engineering. Alone.
“What? Et tu, announcer? I shall leave you as you left me, buried… alive!” said the Blogolope.
You were stuck in engineering. Alone. On a ship. And, you’re not supposed to be in the commercial!
“Buried… alive!”
Oh, for Pete’s sake…
* * * END COMMERCIAL * * *
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Supplemental.
Mr. Bloczynski has gone off to research John Chow’s Blogging Expertise to learn some Adsense Tips and figure out How I Will Be Rich. Meanwhile, I’ve found My Perfect Escape from this mess.
“I’ve figured out how to get rid of the Blogolope, Lt. Syaf!” exclaimed the Captain.
“Yes, sir?”
“Yes, Lt. Syaf. We’ll just lure him to the stargate and push him through the event horizon!”
“Wrong show, Captain,” replied Lt. Syaf.
“What do you mean?”
“We don’t have a stargate, sir. We have ships,” responded Lt. Syaf.
“They’ve got ships,” replied the Captain.
“They also have better ratings,” said Lt. Syaf.
“Oh,” said the Captain. “So, what does that mean?”
“They’ll probably reboot the show, replace us with younger actors and hire that guy that did the Godzilla knockoff with TeamDroid Pictures to direct it.”
“Oh, no!” said the Captain. “I’ll have to find a new job. Maybe I could be a lawyer or something. Oh, but I had a bad album, but my commercials were well-received. Oh, my, I’ve got 100 Different Things to do. I need a resume. Who does resumes?”
“Did you try the Design Print Blog!”
“I’ve Tried That, but everything’s electronic these days. I need something to go from From Ink to Ether. I Can’t Get Rich with nothing but Brokentype. Help me, Lt. Syaf. Help me!”
“Sir,” answered Lt. Syaf, “What about the Blogolope?”
“I can’t be concerned about The Blogscape right now! I have to find a Tasty Blog Snack to pack my Lunch in a Box. Oh, I’m going to be homeless. I won’t have a job. I Hate Your Job. What will I do for work? What will I do for money? Will I have to sell A Little Piece of Me each day just to pay the bills? I have to find the Everything Finance Blog. And, The Simple Dollar. Oh, Lt. Syaf, please run along. I Do Things, and I have so much to do!”
“Not the Blogscape, sir, the Blogolope. What shall we do about the Blogolope?” asked Lt. Syaf.
“Oh, I can’t worry about that now. Go hire an Alien Hunter or the Oil Offshore Marine or something. Maybe the Savage Knight can do something. I don’t know. Oh, good grief, I’m going to have to be a *Thrift Store Shopper! The horror. Wonderland or Not? Definitely not! I need to get a copy of the Net Business Journal…”
“But, sir.”
“I Am Facing Millions of debts, Lt. Syaf. I need to figure out My New Hustle! I am so Lost in Technology I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll lead a Chicken’s Life Every Every Minute of every every day as I try to avoid those collection calls. Sigh.”
* * * COMMERCIAL BREAK * * *
Are your creditors calling you at all hours harassing you for payments on your credit cards and other balances?
“Yes!” replied the Captain.
Oh, what is going on here? You’re part of the show; you can’t be here.
“But, I need to get these collection agencies off my back!” exclaimed the Captain.
“Ah, Captain, we meet again,” said the Blogolope.
Now there’s two of you here? This is a commercial break!
“We’ve never met before, except before, but not before before,” said the Captain.
“I shall leave you and the announcer… buried… alive…”
“That’s all fine and well, but I have bills to pay. Okay, Mr. announcer, what were you saying?” asked the Captain.
Stop the Ride! I’m getting off. You’re not supposed to be in the commercials. This is too weird…
* * * END COMMERCIAL * * *
PERSONAL DIARY: I appear to be lost in some distant part of the universe on a ship–a living ship–full of strange lifeforms. I was walking down the hall with my colleague Dr. Jackson talking about our move to Wednesday nights when I found myself here. I must have been caught in a wormhole or something. I see no sign of Dr. Jackson. It’s not so bad here. Already I’ve seen some Cincinnati Babes playing Queen City Hoops, which reminds me I need to find some little blue pills in a BlueJar or at least some Blue Beaver Beer.
“Captain! The Blogolope has done something to Mr. Baconpants and taken control of the engineering deck on level Zr5!” exclaimed Lt. Syaf, entering the Captain’s ready room.
“All hallowed is the Blogolope,” said Mr. Baconpants over the intercom.
“Captain! Mr. Baconpants is completely under the Blogolope’s control! I think he may be using The Thought Sponge Worm to do it!”
“Kenny Brane,” replied the Captain.
“What!?”
“I’m Kenny Brane, a.k.a. the Boston Brat, of Brane, Poole and Demp.se/y. I was named Attorney of the Year by The Uncanny Brain Broadcasting Blog for four years running. Would you like to sue this Blogolope for violating the DigitalORDER?”
“Captain Kenibatz?”
“Kenny Brane!”
“Captain Kenibatz,” said Lt. Syaf, “Are you suffering from John Cow Disease?”
“Kenny Brane! I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! But, I still have some Scraps of Mind left.”
“Captain! Snap out of it! The Blogolope has control of Mr. Baconpants! We have to do something!”
“Let’s get Beyond the Rhetoric here,” replied the Captain. “You have some Interesting Observations and I’m sure this is all Bread and Roses to you, but I’m Smart Not Cheap so if you want me to take your case, you’re going to have to show me some real Llama Money. And, when does lunch get here? I’d like an order of Soup Number 5, a Burgey and a Bimbo With a Twist.”
“All hallowed is the Blogolope,” chanted Mr. Baconpants over the intercom. “Read the Euro Yank New World Order Reports and follow the Revellian path. Unbelievers will be BlogStruk and forced into E-World Vu. Change Your Thoughts and save your soul. All hallowed is the Blogolope.”
“Captain,” said Lt. Syaf, “You’ve got to do something! The Blogolope has started his own religion down there and is promising everyone the Secretalife! But he has A Blog That Lies and nothing can be believed!”
“Kenny Brane!” answered the Captain. “Have you ever read The Strange Adventures of Petunia Happenstance and her Chicken of Destiny by Lillie Ammann?”
“No, Captain,” answered Lt. Syaf. “Have you? Can it help us?”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. I haven’t read it but Michelle and the City gave it five stars. Kenny Brane!”
“All hallowed is the Blogolope,” Mr. Baconpants continued to chant over the intercom. “All hallowed is the Blogolope. If you don’t follow the Blogolope, you are Going The Wong Way. Follow the Blogolope and enjoy Enriched Living. Think Simple Now and join me. Commander Beth Allen II, Ensign Terence Chang, Mike Folan, Shaun Low, Doctor Phil McDonnell, and Ensign Etienne Teo have all joined the Blogolope. So has Cadet Ryan Shamus. They are all enjoying Digital Daydreams in the Vaguetarian Tea Room. Join us for Balls and Walnuts, Mottekaero Mister Donuts and Rubber Corn Dogs at Roshidan’s Cyber Station. All are enjoying the ride. Join us. All hallowed is the Blogolope.”
“Do you have Any Apples?” asked the Captain. “Kenny Brane!”
“Apple Are in the mess hall,” answered Mr. Baconpants over the intercom. “All hallowed is the Blogolope.”
“Don’t Stopover there!” exclaimed Lt. Syaf. “It’s a trap!”
“Oh, Go Smell the Flowers,” replied the Captain. “I’m hungry and my Vegan Momma won’t let me eat any meat or milk or cheese. So, apples it is! Kenny Brane!”
“Captain, that may be Life in Vegas for your mother, but out here in My Hush Space, we can’t take any chances. Can’t you see, Captain? Don’t you see the signpost up ahead! We’re entering… The Techie Zone!”
“Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do,” chanted Mr. Baconpants over the intercom.
* * * COMMERCIAL BREAK * * *
Next time, on an all new Web Trek, Captain Kenny Brane, er, Captain Kenibatz and his crew meet up with his old colleague Alan Jackson, er, Doctor Jackson and, oh, I’m so confused.
“So was the TARDIS,” replied the Doctor.
What!?
“May week’s in June,” replied the Doctor.
No, no, no.
“Yes, it is.”
No, I mean you’re not supposed to be here. This isn’t your show.
“I’m the Doctor. I’m allowed everywhere.”
No, this is a commercial. You don’t belong here.
“Why is no one ever happy to see us?” asked Tegan.
Oh dear…
* * * END COMMERCIAL * * *
PERSONAL DIARY: I don’t know what just happened. I thought I was a lawyer, but now I seem to be a part of The Daily Fuzz.
“Captain! We must act now!” exclaimed Lt. Syaf.
“Captain? No, I’m just a Sergeant. T.J. Bloggrrl. How can I help?”
“Captain, oh my Captain!”
“Sergeant. Sheridan’s the Captain.”
“This isn’t Babylon 5!” cried Lt. Syaf.
“Babylon Drive?” replied the Captain. “You take the Road Less Unraveled down to Exit 78 then turn right onto Ardor of the Heart Boulevard. Take that to Summer’s Nook and the next street will be Babylon Drive.”
“No, no, Captain,” said Lt. Syaf. “We’ve got to do something about the Blogolope. Half the crew is under his control now.”
“Right, Lieutenant,” replied the Captain. “We need to head to Rebecca’s Peaceful World and bring in ChiQ Montes - WordPress Theme Designer, Average Joe Blogger, Cubicle Denizen and Cyber Brahma for questioning. Then, take an armed patrol to the VREmpire Lair and arrest Speedcat Hollydale Page and Don Biz Blogger. I don’t know what they’ve done, but they were all on Bloggings Most Wanted so I bet they have something to do with all of this.”
“No, Captain,” replied Lt. Syaf. “We know who’s behind this. It’s the Blogolope. He wants revenge against you. He wants to kill you.”
“All I ever wanted was An Ordinary Life. I just want to go home with Home with Heather, er, Stacy, er, Amanda. Oh, I don’t know. There have been so many women. Just Jessie, the Wilson Six, Shonnte, The Sassy Southerner, Heather’s Hot Mess, Dr. Deb, Kristin, The Diva Network (all of them), Debo Hobo, The Budget Babe, Cardiogirl, the Brainy Bimbo and The Catlady and oh so many others. Oh, and the Valley Girl! How could I forget her? They were all so Missylicious! Then there were Kevin and Paula, but that’s something I’d rather forget. But all I ever wanted was to be alone with Jennifer’s thoughts, A Mind Forever Voyaging, living A Simple Life, a Real Life, Living and loving every minute of it. Running Wildly through A Nice Place in the Sun, experiencing Moments Of Randomness, Just Another Day in Paradise Sitting in Silence at The Rocky Mountain Retreat, Forging Iron Man.”
“Wait, what?”
“The Truest Thing is A Quest for Relevance. Lying Awake in Rochester, I heard a Voice in the Night. ‘And the legend lives The Malaysian Life,’ the voice whispered in my ear. I don’t know if it was one of Scourge’s Ramblings or Amanda:Mama’s Musings, but it moved me. I realized that Peace is Every Step when Exploring Autumn in Melissa’s Idea Garden. And So It Goes On.”
“Captain, are you all right?” asked Lt. Syaf.
“I remember one Smatterday watching the Stretcher Jockey and the Cycling Widow head up to the old Zimmerhouse. I was just a preteen at the time and, looking through the window, I learned the Arts of Physics; it’s something that’s helped me with women to this day. I also learned that What goes under the sun should first go on The Bikini Body Diet. Oh, those were some Chimeric Day Dreams. I wish I knew How to Draw or that I had a camera. Oh, but those pictures could never be posted on the Norwegian Photo Blog! That jockey gave that widow some Misdo Link Love, if you know what I mean! That summer, I learned All Things About Her Fab Life. Those were some Tips Supremo! And the The Journey to 30 was a great time in my life. My Thoughts were Not Available on MySpace but I dipped Into the Inkpot quite a bit, if you know what I mean. And, then everything changed the day I found The Potter’s Hand in front of The Gaspards house…”
“Captain, the Blogolope…”
“I was meeting with The Laidback Buddhist and Master Halo 3 when we were attacked by The Underpaid Princess. We were reading (The Blog Formerly Known as) Taosbound at the time. She demanded a subscription to E-Revenue Select and entry into the Forex Trading Blog. Why she thought these Zen masters would have be able to provide any of that, I don’t know. But, we gave her some of Chip’s Quips and an AdSense Tracker and sent her to the OFW Center in Marketing Land. I don’t know if she ever made it; our Blog Sonar was broken and we never heard from her again. So, we had some Gorilla Sushi and talked about The Dragon Project while we did some Domestitchery. It was one of our Back Lot Projects in R Playground. Oh, the Places Remembered and Imagined…”
“All hallowed is the Blogolope,” said Mr. Baconpants over the intercom.
“The point is, Lt. Syaf, we can do the same to the Blogolope!”
“Captain!?”
“Yes, Lt. Syaf,” replied the Captain. “It’s me. Don’t know what happened there, but I’m back. Back from the future, or was it the past? Anyway, The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks and he says, ‘Say Cheese!’”
“What?”
“Say cheese! Blogolopes hate cameras! That’s why no one’s ever seen one. That’s why we couldn’t find it in Engineering! No one knew what a Blogolope looked like!”
“Great Scott!” exclaimed Lt. Syaf. “You may be on to something!”
“It helps that I’m Nuttier Than You,” said the Captain.
“Yes, sir.”
“We might have been looking for a Rich Minx–not a Blogolope! Okay, Lt. Syaf, here’s what we do… You get the Boogie Mum, the Blogamama, the Groovy Entrepreneur and the Groovy Vegetarian together in the lounge and have them start dancing. If the Blogolope passes by, he’ll be mesmerized and won’t be able to leave until they stop dancing. So, make sure they never stop dancing. Keep on dancing. Keep on keeping on. Keep on keeping on keeping on dancing.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Then, get The Contest Winner–she’s a lucky gal–and have her guard the shuttle bay. We don’t want the Blogolope getting off the ship. Have Mr. Javo and Willis Chan stand by the transporter room. We don’t want him beaming off the ship either.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Then, get me a Pianomomsicle. I’m still kind of hungry.”
“Yes, sir,” replied Lt. Syaf.
“Yes, sir.”
“There’ll be no Sweet Escapes for the Blogolope!”
“No, sir,” said Lt. Syaf. “Any more Guidance for Victory?”
“Yes, you have Permission to Peruse the Live Laugh Blog. I’m sure you’ll pick up some Blogging Bits and Blogging Tips there.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Get the rest of the crew out there to form Picture Clusters. Have them take photos everywhere. It’s Technically Easy–all they have to do is push a freakin’ button! There’ll be no more Hiding-N-Public for this Blogolope!”
“No, sir!”
“Next, have the Mobile Phone Geek block all outgoing calls. We don’t want the Blogolope spreading his religious dogma across the galaxy. Tell the Sewing Mom to make a net. Get The Copywriting Maven to do a press release to explain this mess away before the press puts their liberal spin on it and makes us all look like genocidal Blogolope haters or something.”
“Yes, Captain.”
“Plus, the Blogolope is afraid of Mouseki, but that doesn’t help us.”
“No, Captain.”
“Get Terri Terri Quite Contrary on the intercom and have her talk to the Blogolope. She’ll have him spinning in contrarian textual circles he’ll never escape.”
“Yes, sir.”
“All hallowed is the Blogolope,” repeated Mr. Baconpants.
“And, for heaven’s sake, shut that thing off!”
* * * COMMERCIAL BREAK * * *
Oh, why even bother…
* * * END COMMERCIAL * * *
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Supplemental
As Lieutenant Commander Syaf prepared to implement my plan to defeat the Blogolope, Security Chief Bloczynski rushed in with startling news.
“I have startling news, Captain,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“According to the Dumb Ox Daily News, The Insane Writer is holding ChrisBlogging hostage in A Room of Mama’s Own. ‘Boys Rule My Life,’ said the Insane Writer. ‘I was Not Trying for a Boy, but ended up with four anyway. My Life with Boys is like a Poewar!’ Is that your startling news, Mr. Bloczynski?” asked the Captain.
“No, sir,” came the reply.
“According to the Knoxville Trivia Blog, the Marketing Deviant has teamed up with the Miri Guy to complete a One Year Goal to locate the fabled Last Page on the Net. Oh, and the popular series, Life According to Lizzy, has been cancelled after the show’s star, Juliana RW, got pregnant and became a Mom of 3 Girls. Beth & Cory’s Mom is unhappy about the cancellation, saying her children enjoyed the Life Snippets offered each week on the program. Either of those your startling news, Mr. Bloczynski?” asked the Captain.
“No, sir,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“The Internet Marketing Mind reports there is Market Treasure to be found in The Quest for Comedic Stardom, hosted by Comedy Plus. The Daily Trend features a list of Weird Websites that can help you increase Your Website Profit with some very basic Net Hustlin’, but you have to have the Sense to Save your earnings or you’ll be left with nothing more than The Simple Dollar. To help you out, they’re featuring a 5-part series entitled, “Shoestring Smarts” plus a bonus article on how to MakeCentsOnline.com. Is that your news?” asked Lt. Syaf.
“No, sir.”
“I’ve just skimmed through DCR Blogs, Julie’s Blog, Santa’s Community Blog, SEO: Project search engine friendly web directory and blog, Orryally’s journal, Yogatta.com, McMunny Online, Patrick on Animals, Patrick on Music, So Veg dot com and the StampReport.com and, in all My Wanderings through the blogosphere, I don’t see anything else that might be considered startling news, except perhaps that Christy’s Coffee Break actually serves tea instead of coffee! So, Mr. Bloczynski, what is your startling news?” asked the Captain.
“It’s the Blogolope,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“Yes?” asked the Captain.
“He’s dead, Jim.”
“Dead? Are you sure?” asked Lt. Syaf.
“You can kick him if you don’t believe me,” said Mr. Bloczynski, “except that Mr. Baconpants
beamed him into the nearest sun, sir. It seems that, after the Blogolope died, the Thought Sponge Worm went a little loopy and made everyone infected a wee bit nuts. So, the first thing Mr. Baconpants did is get rid of the Blogolope. Well, after kicking him around a bit. So, yes, we’re all reasonably sure he’s dead. I mean, nothing can survive being beamed into the sun. Right?”
“So,” said the Captain, “No photos for Mike’s Photo Blog then?”
“No, sir,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“Bummer, that would have made headlines on Pro Blog Design,” said the Captain.
“How did the Blogolope die?” asked Lt. Syaf.
“We don’t know,” replied Mr. Bloczynski, “But according to the Inner Ink of the Writer’s Notes, apparently the translator wasn’t functioning properly. For instance, when the Blogolope was talking about revenge being a dish best served cold, he was really asking for food.”
“He was hungry?” asked the Captain.
“He starved to death, sir,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“But, what about the food? They invited us to dine with them?” asked the Captain.
“I don’t know what to tell you,” said Mr. Bloczynski. “You’ll have to ask the writers. Morgan Rants and Morgan Writes and what Trenton Makes, The World Takes, but none of the writers are taking responsibility for this mess, Captain.”
“Perhaps the actors should strike?” said Lt. Syaf.
“You mean us?” said the Captain.
“Yes, sir,” replied Lt. Syaf.
“Okay, we need to do some research,” said the Captain. “Lieutenant Commander Syaf, contact the Voiceovers by Tim McLaughlin Blog and see if he’ll strike with us. Won’t be much good if they can have people do voices while they just have puppets on screen or something.”
“Yes, sir,” replied Lt. Syaf.
“Mr. Bloczynski,” said the Captain, “Contact the Olympic Blogger and make sure he’ll be on strike during the Olympics. With no actors and no voice talent, plus no one watches the Olympics anyway, that will really hurt the networks. Then contact the Utah SEO and see if he’ll help us with some Net Monetization. We’re Aiming for Independence and, when we’re Blogging from the Bog, we want to make sure we’ll be making money doing it.”
“Yes, sir,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“Don’t leave yet, Mr. Bloczynski,” said the Captain. “When Mr. Baconpants is ready to get back to work, have him read up on the latest Fashion Style Trends in One of a Kind, Wisconsin. Make sure he checks out Sabrina’s Money Matters and Idea Sellers. Plus he needs to get some tips on Writing 5 to 9 because we’ll be striking from 9 to 5. Otherwise, The Blogging Experiment will fail and we’ll just have A Blog About Nothing and we won’t make any money.”
“Yes, sir,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“And, if we’re not making money, the networks will be able to stick it to us,” said the Captain. “It’s Write Now that we need to strike. Tell the crew to get their Moms Writing! so we have a bit of a head start. When Mother’s Home, have her download some Lessons from the Scrapbook Page and try to uncover some of Tina’s Treasured Thoughts.”
“Neatorama!” exclaimed Mr. Bloczynski.
“What?” asked the Captain.
“I don’t know,” answered Mr. Bloczynski. “It was my line in the script.”
“We’re on strike, Mr. Bloczynski,” said the Captain. “We don’t need to… where’s the cue card? Okay… We don’t need to read the script anymore!”
“So, I don’t need to read the line about Random Encounters of We?”
“No, Mr. Bloczynski,” said the Captain.
“What about mentioning Huckdoll, eastcoastlife and the Fat Doctor?”
“Forget about them.”
“What about rantbits.com? Or The King Kong Blog? Don’t we need to mention them?” asked Mr. Bloczynski. “Or Blogging Mix and Laura Williams Musings?”
“I think you may be suffering Link Addiction, Mr. Bloczynski,” said the Captain. “Stop reading the script! Don’t mention any more names. It only helps the network and their advertising dollars!”
“But the ExPat Mom will be so upset, sir,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“The networks will have to deal with her,” said the Captain. “We’re on strike. It’s not our problem anymore.”
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Supplemental.
We’re on strike.
[ROLL CREDITS]
End.
Is this the episode where I get to see Mr. Baconpants Bacon-
because I only watch this show for him?
Ironically, you have to go to Scotland for Mr. Baconpants’ bacon. See here.
OMG Dan how long did it take you to write all this? You should write for TV, lol.
The first part I did during the writers’ strike (up to around the first commercial), the second part (up to the second commercial) I did about a month ago, and the rest I did over the weekend.
I had a lot more links than previous installments! I hope I didn’t miss anyone this time.
Holy crap! I had to check this out because I saw an incoming link and I had never seen your viral stories before (my apologies, because they look like so much fun). I haven’t even finished reading this one but had to thank you for including me. I can’t believe that anyone could ever top this. I can’t believe the time it must have taken you and the creativity in including everyone is phenomenal. I’m going to do a post tomorrow and link to this if that is okay with you. I’m reading it tonight as my bedtime story!
I don’t mind. Glad you enjoyed it.
Great idea on the socks.
You have won 2 Awards! See my blog for details.
Star Trek ll rules! It’s one of my all time favorite movies.
Thanks! That might be my post for today!
Very Impressive, I really like it.
Actually makes me want to watch Star Trek.
This was the first time I actually followed the writers strike. A few of my friends were affected I wasn’t even though I do write.
Thanks!
I somewhat followed the strike, but was frequently sidetracked by other things!
Bravo! You have quite a knack for this. Thanks for including me!
Thanks, and you’re welcome!
LOL, Very very creative Dan!
Thanks for including me in the commercials =)
Robert
Thanks, and you’re welcome too!
Dan,
You just continue to outdo yourself with these amazing viral stories. You put a lot of imagination, time, and effort into entertaining us and sharing link love. Thanks.
Well, I do have to try to live up to the blog description you came up with for me.
“All hallowed is the Blogolope”
Hehe! Thats has far as I got and I love it so far. What will I do next.
Michelle,
If you want to see my Bacon, I have a subscription site for that. I thougt you were already a member?
Enjoy Bacon!
Bacon cups rule!
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That’s a pretty weird story Dan! The best parts were the commercial breaks. Are you sure you’re not from outer space?
Pretty sure. Maybe I just watched too much TV at an early age.
Wow, it’s been a long time since one of these. Love it man, just classic material.
Thanks!
This is the best attention getter ever. You win five Internets.
Thanks! How many petabytes am I going to need to store five internets?
[...] Web Trek II: The Wrath of the Single Blogolope Boldly going where no blog has gone before… (tags: humor blogging startrek linklove) [...]
You win the award for Best Link-Bait Of The Week.
Thanks! And thanks for the link!
Baconpants…Hmm….now there’s an idea. Probably not a good one, but you’re making me think.
Yes, not a bad idea if you don’t mind all the neighborhood dogs following you around, nibbling away…
You guys are crazy! This is well informative and funny. Gonna be sending alot of peeps to this
Thanks!!!
Crazy hilarious while showing off blogs too… Real creative and funny too
And thanks again!
I beg to differ. IF and WHEN the cap’n gets himself a lil sumptin sumptin - it certainly ain’t gonna be like just another day! Heh. ;o)
This is AHH-MAZING! Thanks so much for including me with all the linky love!
Oh my! This was quite an episode! It’s a good thing there were commercial breaks, it gave me a chance to catch my breath from all the excitement. Now, alas, I am off to make a net!
Haha nice story, but I don’t liked the commercial breaks! Keep breaking the blogosphere with this kind of stories, the backlinks are very appreciated.
Oh my goodness. I’m awed by your creativity, amazed by your tenacity, and quite frankly, a little frightened by the things that must go through your mind!
Great post. Thanks for the link!
Thanks for including me in this story. Unfortunately, I almost missed it because it linked to my old blog - my bad, I guess. The correct URL is in this comment if you would like to change it.
I’d forgotten about these stories - they’re remarkable!
Cheers,
Mark
Devlishly clever of you. Wowza! It would probably take me oh! like a year to write something like that, and then it still wouldnt make sense anyway. A hat tip to you, bud, well done!
I wasnt able to finish it, it is quite long, but will come back and do so. Also i need to mention that the blog, (( Groovy Entrepreneur )) is no longer my blog. If you could kindly remove it (or nofollow it), that would be super beautiful.
P.S. Are these links in the story dofollow or nofollow? If they are dofollow, wont this hurt your blog? There are an awful lot of links in there, and many irrelevant to your niche.
Thanxs again!
Wow! Wowww!! *speechless*
This is very impressive! I wonder how long it took for you to produce this. Thanks for the link.
As always great job. Thanks once again for the mention!
Thanks for the mention. I think? Honestly, I didn’t read it all. So did you have time to write this at your job? If you did I would like to work there. ;o)
This is really creative but will definitely require a chunk of time set aside to check out all the links - or we’ll have to just bookmark it to come back and check them out… thank you for including my blog in your wonderful story. The trackback showed up just today so sorry for showing up late!
Pearl