So, you want to make big bucks blogging? Well, here is the path to fame and fortune, starting with a blog.

1. Change your name to U2 because you too want to be rich and famous.

2. Start a blog under your new name.

3. Get lots of traffic and make some good money selling ads.

4. Get sued by U2 for trademark infringement and probably several other legal violations.

5. Lose your case. Badly.

6. Move into your friend’s basement.

Oops. Your friend lives in a trailer park? So much the better for your story!

6. Move under your friend’s trailer.

7. Share food with the raccoons.

8. Write a book about your experience.

9. Rewrite the book after the raccoons ate your first book. Be sure to mention this in your new book.

10. Get your book published.

11. Appear on Oprah.

12. Cry. A lot. Be careful not to jump on Oprah’s couch, though. It would just make you look like a lunatic.

13. Sell hundreds of thousands of books because of your appearance on Oprah. As the author, that will entitle you to royalties probably in the neighborhood of tens of dollars.

14. Sell the movie rights to your life story.

15. The movie soundtrack will feature songs by U2, making them even richer.

Congratulations! You have helped U2 make millions more because of your blog!

I call this “Hammer Time!” For one thing, the hands are hammers. For another thing, since it’s not a real clock, you can’t touch this!

Would look great in your tool room or kitchen. Or your kitchen tool room. Space is tight these days. You might have to double up. I’m not passing any judgments on you if your tool room is also your kitchen or vice versa. Even Julia Child was known to use a blow torch now and then.

But, since it’s not real, like I told you, you can’t touch this. Yeah, you can’t touch this. You can’t hang it on your wall either! So, get with the weather and say “hi” to Heather. This clock has no tether!

It’s off the wall, because it’s never been real! But, if it were, it would be a steal of a deal. Ha ha, he he, yee haw, y’all! And you know it’s off the hook, and the envy of ev’ry crook, because you can’t touch this. Naw, y’all. You can’t touch this!

Break it down? It runs on 2 AA batteries, or, at least, that’s I how envision it would run. Maybe it would need AC current, though. Hammers are pretty heavy for a small motor to turn around. We’ll need some horsepower on this baby. What say you? Maybe?

But wait…

Maybe you’re running late
For an important date
With your cute neighbor Kate.

Could be a trick of fate,
You gotta call from Nate
Who needs to get a plate?

It’s an annoying trait
Of your ol’ pal & mate
To cause you to be late.

But wait…

You’ve gotta pay the freight
To fetch his dining crate
Which was sent a cheap rate.

When you at least meet Kate,
For your important date,
She says, “Sorry, ate…

…with Nate.”

But, wait…

Stop! Hammer time!

Happy happy happy!

It’s been raining all week.

There is a pause in the rain at the moment, but more will be coming.

More rain and scattered thunderstorms tonight and into the morning.

Some may be severe.

Rain, rain and more rain.

After yesterday’s blog post about the Banana Borg, I know what you’re thinking…

You’re wondering how it could even be possible for a cyborg banana to exist.

Well, are you in for a surprise!

You see, it all starts when a banana hooks up with a mouse.

A mouse? Oh, I see, you think the mouse would eat the banana. Well, you might be right, but where you’re wrong is in thinking about the wrong type of mouse.

You see, I have an exclusive photo of the origins of the banana borg. Not even The National Enquirer could get a hold of this exclusive photo!

So, pat yourself on the back right now for choosing to read my blog instead. This is where you’ll find all the fruity scandals! Probably.

I went through a lot of trouble to get this photo for you. Many Bothans died in order to deliver the information that led to the capture of this image, so you should be grateful for their sacrifice so that you might know the truth.

And, being that truth is what we are all, at our core, after, you should be doubly grateful, for you not only get to satisfy your prurient interest but also your inner yearning for truth.

And by a truth we say the truth is the truth we say we’re after even when we don’t say we’re after the truth we seek and even though we may speak of wanting the truth while not really meaning we want the truth but still maintaining an inner desire for the truth, to speak the truth and to keep unhidden the truth even if our very natures belie the truth, that is but our outward nature and not the inner nature passionately seeking to be free and to escape and to learn the truth, to study the truth and to, ultimately, release that truth so that others who also seek that same truth might find it.

And, so thusly, this photo is released to the world, revealing the shocking origins of the banana borg. There is no turning back now! Do not scroll down further if you do not wish to see it, if you do not wish to have the truth revealed to you.

Of course, you know you cannot resist, for resistance is futile and your yearning for the truth will overcome any desire to keep it hidden away.

This is the last warning you will receive. Are you ready for the truth? Are you truly ready? Deep down, you are ready, though you may not be ready to admit that and, if you cannot readily admit it, seeing the shocking truth now may be too much for you to handle and I cannot accept any responsibility for any damage done to your psyche once the truth has been uncovered for you.

Well, then, take a deep breath and revel in the truth of the banana borg origins…

Just when you thought it was safe to reach back into the fruit basket… It’s the banana borg! One of a bunch of eight. You will be potassiumated. Resistance is slippery.

This used to be Tech Tuesday. Not for over a year, though!

This is one of those useless posts that is sure to make my blog immensely popular this month. I don’t get it. I post useful posts, and no one reads them. I post something completely off the wall, and people come crawling out of the woodwork to see them.

Maybe I should throw in some keywords to bring in the readers: banana borg, banana showing skin, one of eight, not seven of nine, not Jeri Ryan, not a picture of a naked woman eating a banana, bananarama, gone bananas, heaven help us all, what is this blog coming to, not a picture of a naked woman in an apron preparing a banana, not a banana and peanut butter sandwich like Elvis liked, not a stripper wearing a banana suit, banana banana banana, wherefore art thou my banana, not a vintage banana, not an antique banana, not a post on how not to go bananas, who needs a shrink, can you post banana photos on a WordPress blog, one banana two banana yellow banana green banana, did Dr. Seuss ever write about bananas, banana bing, bing bing bing, living in a banana republic, not a banana history report, no Dole bananas here, not about how to eat a banana, not a fried banana in the joint, not a banana museum, where have all the bananas gone?

There. That should get me some interesting traffic, no? I just hope no one comes looking for a naked Elvis painting with a banana leather frame.

You know what would be good? A banana dipped in chocolate. A chocolate-covered banana. On a stick.

A banana milkshake! A banana creme pie! There’s no limit to what you can do with a banana!

Even if it’s only making silly pictures with them.

Look at that! They are barcoding our toilet paper now!

That’s so they can keep track of how many sheets you use! Newer toilets can scan these barcodes and, when you exceed your monthly limit, cut you off from flushing!

That’s right! Once you’ve exceeded your monthly quota of toilet paper tissues, you will not be able to flush anymore! You will be locked out until the following month!

Better stock up on air fresheners.

Mix ‘n’ Match spam headlines…

Beware of imitators! This is the original push a button and collect money!

Oprah certified 3 simplistic steps and local women looking for free alarm quotes from homemade organic tomatoes.

600 bucks a week for barely working an hour learning about different heath care fields.

Never make another credit card payment as seen on CNN and ABC News!

How to protect your family in just 5 minutes while your $7,500 credit line is approved by what retailers don’t want you to know in this unique web offer!

Order medicine over the internet because your bedroom doesn’t smell.

Find your future as a teacher: term life with no physical with a free glucose meter.

Learn about the exciting world of photography and she will see your advantage!

Your manliness will never be ruined with personalized Father’s Day gifts.

Cell phone glitch purses a perfect combination of price and quality for top schools with CSI degrees. Grants now available in every state!

Now, I’ll use Google to translate that into French and back from French into English. Let’s see what we get…

Beware of imitations! This is the first press a button and raise money!

Oprah certified 3 simple steps and women for research free quote house alarm organic tomatoes.

$600 per week for just one hour of work on learning different areas of health care.

Never make another payment by credit card as seen on CNN and ABC News!

How to protect your family in just 5 minutes while your $7,500 credit line is approved by what retailers do not want you knowledge in this unique web offer!

Ordering drugs on the internet because your room is not smell.

Find your future as a teacher: life without physical free glucometer.

Learn more about the exciting world of photography and will see your advantage!

Your manhood will never be ruined personalized Father Day gifts.

Cell-money glitch for the perfect combination of price and top quality schools with CSI degrees. Grants available in all states!

I like “because your room is not smell.”

Finishing out bananas week is this amazing image of a banana that’s bigger on the inside than on the outside. It’s so big, a whole universe fits inside! That’s called dimensional transcendence. The bit about being bigger on the inside, that is. The part of being big enough on the inside to hold a whole universe doesn’t have a name because no one has ever seen it happen before!

Actually, that would be called a pocket universe. And, you didn’t think you’d learn anything here today, did you? Tsk tsk.

At the risk of making Michelle as giddy as a schoolgirl, I took down my Retroyears blog today.

Just shy of a year old, but I figured, with analog television going the way of the dinosaur, this would be a good day to take down the retro blog too.

Not that it’s that big of a deal. The blog only had a single post–the welcome message!

Of course, I’m certainly not ruling out bringing it back as a site or blog someday, but, in the meantime, I don’t know that there is much sense in keeping it up with nothing on it.

For the time being (as soon as the changes kick in), the domain will redirect to the Antiques category on this blog. So, Michelle should be careful not to get too giddy…