Poor pumpkin caught the swine flu. Must have been planted too close to the pig sty.

I have this project I’ve been working on, off and on.

This past week, I decided to dust it off and work on it again. I remembered that one of my sticking points was two statements made by the author. In the author’s day, they illustrated certain points. But, to modern sensibilities, these statements may be seen as bigoted or, at the least, very stereotypical.

So, my problem was how to remove those statements, while still illustrating the point the author was trying to make.

And, that’s where I remember leaving off.

So, the past couple days, I worked on cleaning things up, working on assorted odds and ends and otherwise trying to finish the project. But, I didn’t tackle these two statements yet.

So, late last night, I decided I’d look up and mark those areas where the statements appear, so that I could take care of them today.

Bear in mind, that these statements tended to stick out like a sore thumb. After I initially saw them, they would tend to pop out at me whenever I was near them. They had to be changed. Some people might be offended by these statements.

Mind you, I don’t know for certain but I don’t think the author was intentionally trying to be offensive, but rather providing examples that, in his day and age, might have been just the way things were. But, that doesn’t play well with the modern audience as it may have back then.

But, I couldn’t find them!

I searched and re-searched through the sections I thought they were, and ended up going through the whole thing at least twice.

Still, I could find these statements nowhere!

My gosh! Had I become blind to these statements? Had I become immune to the potential offense?

After spending maybe an hour looking for these statements in a printed copy, I decided it was time to go to bed. I would try again in the morning, this time using the computer to find them.

And, that’s what I did. I pulled up the document on the computer and used the search feature. I plugged in the first word I remembered being in one of the statements. Nothing. Had I misremembered it? So, I tried with the word I remembered being in the other statement. Nothing.

Had I remembered the wrong words? Were the statements in a different project? But, no, I was certain they were in this specific project.

But, I knew those statements were in there. I knew the specific words used in them. So, why couldn’t I find them?

I pulled up an early version of the project. Searched that. Found the first statement. Compared it with the latest version of the document. It wasn’t there. Searched for the second statement in the early version. Found it. Compared it with the most recent version of the document. It wasn’t there either.

Apparently, I had already edited out these statements.

Over a year ago.

Today, we offer a lesson in focus.

Focus on the dot below for a count of 1 to 10.

Very good.

Never mind why the arrows may look a little funky. That’s your imagination.

Now, focus on the asterisk below. Again, for 10 seconds, counting 1 to 10.

Very good.

Now, focus on the hash below for 10 seconds.

Very good.

That’s all for today’s lesson!

Imagine there’s no words here.

I’m feeling deja vu.

Imagine there’s still no words here.

It isn’t hard to do.

No one’s reading anyway.

Might as well pack it all in.

Imagine there’s no words here.

It doesn’t matter anyhoo.

Imagine something something and something else.

Blue, baby, baby, blue.

Wahoo, wahoo, wahoo.

Oh and some more gibberish too.

There were once some words here.

I used to post stuff that made some sense here.

Oh, but it seems those days are through.

Imagine. Ah, never mind…

You’ll just have to imagine the music playing…

Recession Era Blues
(with apologies to Phil Collins)

1…

2…

3…

Well, you can sell ev’rything in a town hall base,
Dump your wares at a steady pace.
I don’t buy anymore.
You can sell ev’rything in a county bend,
I won’t buy no nothin’ ’cause I just can’t spend.
I don’t buy anymore. I don’t buy anymore.

I won’t buy what you sell.
I won’t buy the cool things you shell.

‘Cause I’ve been walking through the discount stores you are not in.
And I can’t even buy from their discount bin.
I can’t buy anymore.
So I will stand by the road with my beggin’ sign,
As I’ve nothing to give if I get a fine.
I can’t buy anymore. I can’t buy anymore.

I won’t buy what you sell.
You never sold me the good stuff anyway.

I won’t be ’round anymore.
Won’t get in your way.
So goodbye.
I got pennies to pick from parking lots.
I don’t buy anymore. I don’t buy anymore.
I can’t buy anymore. I can’t buy anymore.

Well, I don’t care ’bout what you sell,
‘Cause ev’ry day I’m pinching my last penny.
And I can’t buy the goods you sell.
Hey, I’ll be okay sans any.
‘Cause you know…

‘Cause I remember all the sales you always had.
And you said “cha-ching, cha-ching!” and made me so mad.
I can’t buy anymore.
And I really ain’t hurtin’ ’cause you’re hurtin’ too.
‘Cause I can’t buy and you can’t sell anything new.
I can’t buy anymore. Ya hear? I can’t buy no more.

I won’t buy what you sell.
You never sold me the good stuff anyway.

I won’t be ’round anymore.
Won’t get in your way.
So goodbye.
I got pennies to pick from parking lots.
I don’t buy anymore. Ya hear? I don’t buy anymore.
I can’t buy anymore. Ya listening? I can’t buy no more.
No more!

You know I can’t buy no more!

MMM. Tasty.

So, anyway, I haven’t done this in a while, so it’s past time to do one. Here’s how people have found me so far this month…

don t give me no pop no pop don t give me no tea no tea - No idea.

hollydale mental hospital - Apparently, this is somewhat of a hot topic.

burt ward nude - It’s not here! See Michelle!!!

hot chick wearing apron - If you’re a hot chick, or know one, you should buy this apron, take of picture of yourself (or her, if you’re not the hot chick), post it on your blog, and I’ll link to you. Maybe. Free link from a PR0 site! Well, almost free. You still have to buy the apron.

And, yes, the FTC wants you to know that if you buy the aforementioned apron, I, a blogger, will be compensated for it in the form of a ridiculously low amount of money that won’t pay a single one of my bills but the FTC thought you should know that because I might be motivated to promote the purchase of that apron for the little bit of money I’ll get when, you know, one of you actually buys the thing. Typical results, which the FTC also wants me to pass along, are that no one will buy the apron and I will not make a dime off of this promotion. Average results are that one person might buy the apron, for which I will earn a couple dollars, which I will later lose due to inactivity fees charged to my account when I have not reached the payout limit to receive a check and have not made a sale within a certain period of time, after which they start charging dormancy fees, at which point I lose what little money I already made. In other words, I make nothing. I lose money. Well, I don’t know if I can really lose money I never really had, but the bottom line is that this is the usual situation and this is all stuff the FTC wanted you to know, because they think otherwise you will behave like a mindless zombie and buy these aprons in droves just because I posted about them, but the reality is quite different, but government employees and politicians do not always live in the world of reality, so real world results are not nearly as important as the things which happen in their overactive imaginations and those things are that the zombie apocalypse has already arrived and if they don’t start regulating blogs, the whole world will fall apart because everyone knows that everyone hangs on every word posted by every blogger that they read and if a blogger should happen to suggest they buy something, they will buy it for no other reason than because the blogger said they should and if the blogger gets a commission for making that recommendation, well, that is just wrong. Or something. I don’t know anymore. But, at any rate, you now have my full disclosure that, in theory, I’ll make money if you buy an apron. And, since I’d really like to make some money, I’d really like for you to buy an apron, but only like if at least 10 of you (or more) actually buy an apron, because any less than that will mean that I’ll probably lose whatever money I, in theory, earned due to dormancy fees which will eventually strike, because you all refuse to behave like zombies and buy everything (or anything) I recommend. So, once again, if you buy an apron, I make money. I hope. We’ll see.

naked woman apron - See above.

blue banana town images - Got me.

hot naked women on women - Whoa. Dude. None of that kind of stuff is here. Probably.

werid nude woman pic - I think this might be a Star Trek enthusiast…

silly picture of bananas - I think I did a whole week of those!

assassin bugs niche - Mine! Go away!

google naked kids - Pervert!

dreams surely are difficult confusing and not everything in them is brought to pass for mankind. - Okay, then.

At this point, I have grown weary of look up links. So, no more of that…

i m afraid to have dcr surgery - Me too.

nude underwear - Um, make a decision and go with it!

fancy watches for women - Okay, so I looked that one up.

dreams surely are difficult confusing and not everything in them is brought to pass for mankind. for fleeting dreams have two gates one is fashioned of horn and one of ivory. those which pass through the one of sawn ivory are deceptive bringing tidings which come to nought but those which issue from the one of polished horn bring true results when a mortal sees them. meaning - Seriously, that’s deep, dude.

picture naked woman covered in creme - I’m not sure I even want to know. What kind of creme?

what can be done instead of dcr - Well, fine, then. Go read someone else’s blog!

naked in her parents basement - Who?

hot nude models nature - You know, if I ever let this domain name expire, you can bet some porn site will grab it.

seven of nine naked - Remember what I said about the Star Trek enthusiasts?

naked women baking - Maybe some cannibalism porn site will grab this domain.

women w/ tails - Well, Halloween is coming up. Maybe go to a costume party?

many times can you press button - Until you get bored.

all nide modelling - Eh?

burt ward naked - Go see Michelle.

how to make $1 000 000 in a day - Not sure but, at this point, if a porn site wants to offer me $1,000,000 for my domain, I might consider it. Er, maybe $2,000,000. Oh, I don’t know. Shoot me an eMail and we can negotiate.

hot chick photos - See, porn site investors? There’s demand here.

bottled frustration - Talk to the hand.

motivation for monday morning - This is it. Don’t let it go. If this ain’t motivation, you better let me know. If this is it, it is what it is. Don’t let it go. If this ain’t it, you better just say no.

bounty kissing the bosun s daughter - I really do not know.

Well, that’s how people have found me so far this month. The scary thing is that the month isn’t over yet…

It’s Sunday.

It’s the last day of the weekend.

It’s the day that it sinks in that it’s the last day of the weekend.

It’s the day you realize the weekend is half over, and you’ve barely scratched the surface on everything you were going to get done over the weekend.

It’s the day you realize you were overly optimistic–once again–with your weekend plans.

It’s the day you realize you probably won’t get nearly everything done you wanted to get done.

It’s the day you settle for less.

And, so, another weekend will pass, at the end of which you’ll think, maybe next weekend…

Sunday, Sunday… And so the cycle repeats. Sunday, Sunday.

It wasn’t all I hoped it would be.

That’s right. I did some writing this week. I felt inspired the other night, and I dragged out (virtually) an old story I worked on 13 years ago (at least that’s the age of the computer file. I started writing it by hand and who knows how many years went by before I typed it into the computer. Oh, yeah, I remember typing it into an electric typewriter (which I bought before I bought my first laptop, after which I stopped using the electric typewriter, which stored files on floppy disks, which seemed like a good idea, except that those floppy disks, while being the exact same kind of floppy disks that computers use, can not be read in any computer, so those files can only be read (or typed out) on the typewriter, which means, ugh, who knows when I will ever get those files out, and the typewriter screen only shows like three or four lines at a time. Still, I like that typewriter, even though I haven’t used it in years, but I did clean it off a couple months ago. I’m pretty sure I used that typewriter to type up and send out my first story that I had published anywhere, besides my own publications.))

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, old story… Anyway, so I dragged out this old story I had worked on many years ago. I had gone through ten drafts/revisions/living-Hades, and never gotten it quite right. I had the whole novel (started as a short story but I couldn’t stop myself) planned out, but never got to the end, because I kept making changes before I got that far. At one point, I even crumbled the whole thing (folder, notes, everything, etc.) up and threw it in the trash. (I did get it out later.)

This was a story that started out as fiction (I think–I haven’t dragged out the folder–just the digital file of the last attempt–so I don’t know for sure, but I think it started as fiction) but, as many of my stories that start out as fiction do, became science fiction. Yeah. I do that. I can’t seem to write a “normal” story. Aliens, other worlds, the paranormal, unicorns, etc. all seem to come into play at some point.

And, yes, I realize you may consider unicorns as fantasy, but rhinos exist and they have a single horn, so isn’t a unicorn a scientific possibility? Eh? Yeah, fantasy and scifi blend sometimes. Often.

Except my story about a serial killer–I haven’t turned that into scifi either. But, that’s horror. Sort of. So, you know, the exception that proves the rule and all.

At any rate, like I said so long ago at the beginning of this post–and congratulations if you’re still reading–I felt inspired the other day. Mainly, it was J.D.’s comment on my comment on her blog post that got me thinking of this old story (don’t ask me why) and that got me inspired (how many times have I used “inspired” in this blog post) to think that I could tackle this story again and maybe finish it off.

So, here I am, with a second revision on a new opener, and I’m not feeling inspired anymore. I’m starting to think maybe this story comes with a permanent writing block attached. I swear, it sounded more amusing in my head when I was thinking about it (while away from the computer) than when I actually sat down to type it in, at which point it seemed kind of lame and didn’t seem funny at all, in comparison to the version in my head, which was mildly amusing.

So, maybe I need a second (or third or fourth but probably just second or third, because there are probably not more than that still reading this blog, since Google dumped me at PR0 and then I dumped Google AdSense because they’re not going to make a penny off this blog if they don’t want me making money off this blog but I before I digress further into a rant about Google, I better get back to whatever it is I was writing about. And now I will need to pause for a moment as I look back to see what I was talking about… Okay, eyes!) pair of eyes to take a look at the story opener and give me some thoughts as to whether you’d go on to the next chapter or just put it down and look for an old TV Guide to read instead.

In the next post, that’s the one after this one (chronologically after this one, otherwise, before this one), I will post the opener. It’ll be password-protected, so you can’t see it unless you’re among the elite few who will know the password. And, to be among the elite few, you’ll need to leave a comment on this post, asking for a password. Then, I’ll eMail you one. Maybe. And, if you’re reading this weeks or months from now, don’t ask because you’re too late.

Then, if you’re among the lucky (or maybe unlucky–we’ll see–) few who get a password, please read it then jump back to this post to leave a comment. That’s because, for some unknown reason, WordPress won’t let you leave a comment on a password-protected post. I don’t know why, and I haven’t figured it out, and I’m not keen on trying to figure it out, so just deal. Okay? Thanks.

In this post, I’m going to run through some of the questions that come up in my stats. That is, these are questions people typed into the search engines and, for whatever reason, the search engine thought I had the answer.

So, we knew Google was dumb, but who knew it was this dumb? Anyway, on to the questions…

why you don t sneeze in arm?

I answered that in this post, “Don’t Sneeze on Your Sleeve!”

how can i achive my goals?

That’s an easy one. Buy my eBook. Wait… That’s the answer to the question of how do I achieve my goals. If you want the answer to how to achieve your goals, well, good luck with that. But, maybe you could buy my eBook anyway?

how do our laws and customs differ from those in other countries?

They differ in many ways.

why do women pose naked for some guys and not others?

I’m guessing that (a) they pose for guys that are professional photographers willing to pay them reasonable rates and (b) they’re not going to drop their clothes for some guy that seems creepy. And, sorry buddy, but if you’re asking the question, odds are good you’re in the latter group. Try manikins or 3D modeling.

what is the most popular video on youtube?

I don’t know, but here is my most popular video on YouTube.

who made the barbie kitchen carousel?

Mattel, I presume.

what years are things considered antique?

It’s generally more determined by age than specific years. For example, things that are 50-100 years old can generally be considered antique. For the current year, that would mean things made earlier than 1959 or 1909. For electrical powered and electronic items, they can be considered antique after about 25 years. So a computer or power tool made in 1984 or earlier can now be considered an antique.

why is cheese yellow?

Well, I know why American cheese is yellow.

how to move automatic watch?

Pack it in a box with everything else. If you’re worried about scratching, wrap it in a soft cloth and bubble wrap.

what make american cheese yellow?

I just told you why American cheese is yellow.

what is something you want to achieve?

For you to buy my eBook.

why dont you want me?

If you don’t leave me alone, I’m filing a restraining order.

why is chese yellow?

I already told you why American cheese is yellow. Extrapolate.

So, there you go. Your questions answered. Maybe. Aren’t you glad I’m here, because the search engines–cough, Google–certainly aren’t doing their job?