The purple chihuahua. That should be a restaurant or something. Or maybe not. It’s not taken. And, usually when I have good ideas like this, someone has already thought of it. So, there’s probably a reason why there is no restaurant called the “Purple Chihuahua” and, indeed, there is. I won’t tell you, but I’ll just warn you not to look up the slang definition.

Anyway, slang definitions notwithstanding and with food still on the mind, since I did this next image before looking up the slang definition of “purple chihuahua,” this next image is food. Yay! A purple!

Today’s Purple Saturday is sponsored by Duck Duct brand Purple Duct Tape and Purple Frogcat’s Purple Saturday. And, when I say “sponsored” I don’t really mean sponsored because no one’s paid a thing for this blog post, except for me, if you count what I pay for hosting, plus I bought Photoshop which I used for the pictures (not just for these pictures, mind you, I’ve had Photoshop for years), plus the computer, plus the camera used to take the pictures, plus the stuff in the pictures. So, I say “sponsored” because it sounded better than saying, Hey, I’m supposed to link to these sites for Purple Saturday so here are the links. And, yes, I had to write all that expletive to cover the post for FTC regulations so that you don’t think that Duck Duct brand Purple Duct Tape actually sponsored this post, which they didn’t, because they don’t exist and, if they do exist, I didn’t know that and, had they sponsored this post by giving me money, I would know they exist. Thus, while a lack of receipt of money does not negate the possibility of their existence, the absence of the receipt of said money does provide evidence in my ignorance of their existence. Mind you, I know there is a Duck® brand, but not of a Duck Duct brand, and were there a Duck Duct brand, I bet that Duck® brand would sue them because that’s awfully confusingly similar. And, if Duck® brand has a purple duct tape, that would be cool, but I don’t know whether or not they have one. Also, they have not sponsored this post, neither in reality nor in my imagination.

So, there you go.

Did you ever think about what happens after you die?

You know, with just about everything else in life, you can try something and change your mind if you don’t like it. Don’t like your car? Get a new one. Clothes out of style? Buy new ones. MP3 players have you confused? Go back to LPs.

But, with death, once you’re dead, you’re dead. You can’t decide that death really doesn’t suit you and come back. Oh, sure, some people believe in reincarnation, but they don’t remember, do they? It’s not like you can move back into your house after you’ve been dead and reincarnated. Plus, your spouse would probably feel pretty uncomfortable changing your diapers. And, how creepy would it be to see a newborn drive to work the next day?

Anyway, so no one really knows what happens after you die. We have to guess.

Some people think that once you’re dead, you’re dead, as in dead, no more, pushing daisies, gone forever, etc. That’s it, you’re done.

Others believe in an afterlife. Heaven will be like a great big family reunion where you’ll see all your loved ones again, forever, except maybe for your mean Uncle Joe who spent his life robbing liquor stores and stealing purses from little old ladies in grocery stores as they squinted their eyes to read the sodium content on the label of the chicken soup they were buying for a sick neighbor who really didn’t want her soup because of all the cat hair that would inevitably wind up in it but how can you refuse a bowl of soup from a kindly old lady whose family lives across the country probably because they didn’t like cat hair in their meatloaf? Maybe you get to see your pets again too.

So, it’s one big happy reunion, except for Uncle Joe who has a heated apartment below.

And, that’s what a lot of people seem to believe.

But, what if it’s not like that at all? What if, once you’re dead, it’s just you. You, trapped in your own thoughts. For eternity. No one else. Just you. You’re left to remember your life over and over again, because there’s nothing else to do. Not even a deck of cards with which to play solitaire. Nothing. Just you. Alone in your thoughts. For eternity.

What if the only place you will interact with other people is in the here and now? Once people are gone, they’re gone, off to their own little worlds, remembering the things they did with others. Forever. Remembering the things you said to them. Forever.

How might that change your world view? How might that change everyone’s?

Do you think there is a five-second rule for blog posts?

That is, you’ve completed writing your latest missive. You check it over and decide it’s ready to be released into the wild. Or, maybe you don’t check it over because your confident, maybe overconfident, in your ability to not make a mistake while composing your thoughts. Plus, you might have spell check that points mistakes out to you as you make them. In any event, at some point you’ve decided to publish your post and so you do.

Then, like the obsessive-compulsive little blogger you are, you immediately read the article you just posted to your blog. You are so proud of your work and you just like to see it “in print” (or, rather, in tiny little specks of light on your computer screen) and look it over, patting yourself on the back as you say, “I wrote that!” After all, it is so much different to see it on your blog as opposed to the edit window.

And, then you see a mistake. A glaring error. How could you have missed it?

That’s where the five-second rule comes in.

If you just posted it, you can change it. No one’s seen it. You’re not that popular. Sorry.

On the other hand, if you posted it an hour ago, well, maybe it’s too late. The secret’s out. You’re fallible. You make mistakes. You screw up. You’re a freakin’ loser. L-O-S-E-R. LOSER!

And, now, you’re exposed to the world. Trying to correct yourself now will look like a cover-up. It’s been seen. You’re toast.

Of course, you should have proofread better before you hit “Publish”. There’s the preview option for heaven’s sake. Makes it look just like it will on your blog.

But, no. You were so eager for the world to see your latest work of prose that you had to quickly skim your post, thinking, “I know what I wrote,” and overlooking that glaring error in your glee to hit “Publish” and start seeing those comments from your adoring fans. Comments like “You suck!” “First!” “Ha! Ha! You weren’t first, loser!” “Bite me.” “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

And, so, there it is. But, if you catch your mistake right away, I think you’re covered by the five-second rule. That post is still good. You can still pick it up and lick it, er, change it.

Wait too long, and it’s been spoiled. You don’t want to touch that sucker. Just let it be.

Since JD is off this week, I thought I would fill the void in the blogosphere by pre-stealing one of her titles again, though, in all likelihood, this is a title she probably wouldn’t have used anyway. Even if not, it relieves her of the obligation of having to do a post with this title. I think she may appreciate that. If not, well, at least I tried, so I should get some credit for that.

Anyway, have you ever thought about your thoughts? Deep, eh? Well, think about them for a minute.

Actually, pay attention. Think about them later. Can’t have you thinking about your thoughts and reading mine at the same time. That could create a mental black hole, as you’ll learn more about in a minute, so long as you keep reading and stop pondering your thoughts, because that would be bad. The black hole, that is. Do try to pay attention. I’m only going to write this once and, let’s face it, even though you could read this as often as you like, you’re only going to read it once.

Returning to your thoughts, you know how they say you can manifest your thoughts? You know, the whole “The Secret” thing. Well, at which point do they manifest themselves? Is it after one thought, ten thoughts, ten thousand thoughts? It’s a good question, I think. And, do some people’s thoughts manifest more easily than others? I mean, if you took John and Bill and stuck them on separate islands, and they both thought about a boat coming to rescue them, will they both be rescued the same day? Or, will one be rescued after a single day, and the other rescued ten years later?

And, the one that gets rescued, did he think harder than the other? Maybe the other really didn’t want to be rescued. Maybe he learned to love and enjoy the solitude. No one pushing him around. No one telling him what to do. No one complaining he left the toilet seat up, mainly because there was no toilet seat but that’s beside the point.

What if the latter still thought about the boat even though he really didn’t want it to come? Would it come anyway? And, would he get on the boat, returning to civilization, even though he longed to remain on the island? Or, would he have prepared for the day the boat arrived, and prepared an elaborate assortment of primitive weapons to sink and destroy the boat so that it could neither rescue him nor report his whereabouts to the world?

And what if the first guy had been on the boat at the time? Did he think about being rescued only to drown as the rescue boat sank after being pummeled by coconuts?

It really boggles the mind, don’t you think? And, what are you thinking about? Because if you’re picturing yourself being killed at your desk after being hit in the head by a stray coconut, well, you better be careful what you think.

Maybe you better not think at all. If that’s your thing, you might be able to get a job in television.

Or iSlate or whatever they wind up calling it. And, no, the Apple iTablet is not on sale, but…

I want one.

You see, the Apple tablet is rumored to be announced next week. Pricing estimates are that it will be around $1,000. I bet they won’t be immediately available, but, you know, you want to get your orders in early.

As I mentioned, I want one. And, it’s for business purposes. Fun too, but business.

So, in an effort to raise funds to purchase one of these puppies, I am putting my Internet Marketing Backstage Pass guide on sale. Regularly priced at $47, it’s now priced to move at just $18.95.

Everything is included as normal. This isn’t a pared down version or anything. This is the full $47 course reduced down to $18.95. That’s a savings of over $28! (Okay, just 5 cents over $28, but that still counts as over.)

So, if you’ve been on the fence about getting your copy, now’s the time to grab it. Don’t delay! Buy today!

That little extra rhyme there was free. You’re welcome. Now, please help me get my Apple iTablet by buying my product. Thanks!

Oh, wait. So, I’m supposed to tell you what’s in it for you, right? Well, you won’t have to read post after post of me complaining that I don’t have an Apple iTablet even though I really want one. That’ll get old quick. Believe me. You don’t want to go there.

Anyway, just look at the sales page for all the great stuff you’ll learn. Plus, you get all sorts of neat graphics and stuff. Buttons, seals, backgrounds–all fun and useful stuff.

But, really, let’s face it: the economy sucks. And, we’re all looking for ways to make extra money or promote our existing businesses. Well, if you’re new to Internet marketing, this comprehensive guide has you covered! You’ll learn everything from the very basics to slightly more advanced techniques. Plus, there are plenty of resources to help you further.

The website will tell you more. Please go check it out.

Still not convinced? How about this? Pretty please with a cherry on top, please go check it out.

Yeah, I thought that would work.

Okay, so here’s what I wasn’t able to finish in time for yesterday’s post…

I’ve been trying to think of a way of putting the Late Night Wars together in toon form. I had animation in mind but–ugh!–too much work. Maybe if I was getting paid but, otherwise, no.

And, I wanted to keep it simple. As you’ve no doubt realized, my drawing skills are sub-par. I had a swath of red hair in mind for Conan, but trying to keep it from getting too complicated was an issue. I had animation going in my head which complicated matters. So, over the past few days, I’ve had animations running through my head, which I knew I would never do.

One consideration was to do it kind of South Park style, as I did with the Avatar Wars.

But, you know, I just didn’t want to put that much time into it. If I was going to create something, I’d rather invest the time in characters I own, and not characters that are parodies that are dependent upon real life people to retain their significance.

What I had in mind for the animation was Conan and Jay going after each other in cartoon fashion, each trying to remove each other as host.

That got me thinking…

So, on Monday, it hit me. Remember the old “Spy vs. Spy” cartoons from MAD Magazine? That would be the perfect basis for a parody. And, it would resolve the animation problem–I wouldn’t need any animation as you could just run your own scenarios through your head.

A cop-out, I know. But, I don’t get paid for this…

So, here you have the “Host vs. Host” illustration. Enjoy!

It’s going to be…

Legendary.

Okay. Probably not.

But, wait for it anyway.

I’d post it here now, but there’s no way I’ll have it finished before the end of the day.

Which means that Monday’s post is a teaser for Tuesday’s post.

But, it still totally counts as a post, because there is something here.

Lame, I know. But, such is life.

With the New Year upon us–yes, I know we are already 17 days into it–it may be time to change things up a bit.

I’m thinking that maybe it’s time to update the slogan on my blog: Believe. Act. Achieve!

Let’s face it… This blog really hasn’t been inspirational for a couple years now. Certainly not last year.

So, here’s what I’ve come up with. Feel free to vote on these in the comments or suggest your own.

#1: I Do Things Even JD Doesn’t Want to Do

#2: Not Even the Most Boring Blog You’ve Ever Read (Maybe. I just pulled ahead in the poll…)

#3: Just Another WordPress Blog

#4: Running Out of Topics that Michelle Won’t Steal from Me

#5: WTF?

#6: Why Do I Bother Getting Up in the Morning?

#7: Call Me When the Great Recession is Over

#8: Believe. Act. Go Off the Deep End!

#9: Oh, Look, It’s Another Picture of An Empty Bottle

#10: No Need to Lock Up Your Daughters; They Don’t Know I Exist Anyway

#11: If You Build It, You Probably Won’t Be Able to Sell It for More Than the Cost of the Materials

#12: The Best Thing Since Sliced Cattle Irons

#13: I’m Thatman

#14: How Not to Make Money Blogging

#15: I Laughed, I Cried, But Mostly I Shook My Head in Shame

#16: 101 Ways to Lose Money with Google AdSense

#17: The Plan B from Outer Space of the Blogging World

#18: How’d This Guy Ever Become a Published Author?

#19: Wallowing in Self-Pity Since 2009

#20: All the World’s a Stage but I’m Still an Understudy

#21: The Creepy Underwear Guys and Naked Women Blog

#22: It’s Not Dead, Jim, But Hand Me a Phaser and I’ll Take Care of That

#23: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!

#24: How’d This Blog Get in My Feed Reader?

#25: Nobody Voted on a New Slogan So This Is It

So, there you go. Those are your options, unless you have your own idea for a slogan. Vote and discuss in the comments!

Normally, I don’t do a Top 10. I’ll do a Top 12. Or, maybe a Top 8. Sometimes it’s tough coming up with these–I don’t have a staff of comedy writers which is painfully obvious–and I end up with a Top 5 list. I think I once did a Top 10 that was really a Top 3 because I repeated stuff.

At any rate, this time I actually managed to come up with 10 things. (Yay me!) So, ten is what you’ll get…

For those of you who have already forgotten the title and don’t feel like scrolling back to read it again, here are the Top Ten Things Conan O’Brien Learned as Host of “The Tonight Show”…

#10 What it literally feels like to be a red-headed stepchild.

#9 A Harvard degree won’t keep you from getting run over by a classic car.

#8 Your most vocal supporters will be those beating you in the ratings.

#7 The only one consistently excited to see you was a bear, and even he hasn’t been seen the past seven months.

#6 There are no guarantees in life, and fewer at NBC.

#5 200,000 Facebook fans can be wrong.

#4 Being successful in life requires doing your best and making good decisions, unless you’re an NBC executive.

#3 The guy with the better hair always wins. Just ask Michael Dukakis, George Bush, Bob Dole, John Kerry and John McCain.

#2 “The Tonight Show” is a title, not a description.

And, finally…

#1 The fastest way to build an audience of 2 million people is to start with 5.

It’s a fair question and one that doesn’t seem to be addressed in the “blame Leno” hysteria that’s seemingly spread across the Internet.

Back in 2004, NBC didn’t want to lose Conan O’Brien to another network. Conan’s ambition was to host The Tonight Show. So, NBC gave him a new contract for five years, at the end of which he’d be named the new host of The Tonight Show.

And, they gave Jay Leno a contract that basically ushered him out in five years to pave way for Conan.

Instead of letting Jay Leno retire whenever he wanted to retire, they set an artificial deadline for him to retire. And, there is a big difference between being ready to retire and feeling like you might be ready to retire in a few more years.

Those years come and go, and you realize that you love what you do and you’re not really ready to retire just yet.

So, you start looking at job options.

Then, your boss gets worried you may go to a competitor and gets you to stay.

And, we all know how that turned out.

But, you look back to what set it all in motion and it was Conan O’Brien wanting to host The Tonight Show.

Had he stayed where he was as host of Late Night until Jay—not NBC or Conan—was ready for Jay to retire, then he could have taken over the show then.

All he had to do was be patient.

Instead, a deadline was set. An artificial deadline.

And that’s what set this whole thing in motion.

To that extent, O’Brien is a victim of his own ambitions.

Nobody learns from history, apparently. After all, it’s not like this is the first time that someone who was forced out of their job got it back. Ever heard of a guy named “Steve Jobs”?