Government Announces New TSA-on-Call Service
Starting December 1, 2010 in large metropolitan areas and expanding nationwide as early as January 1, 2011, the federal government has announced a new TSA-on-Call service to improve the safety and security of the nation’s roads.
Expect new delays in your morning rush to work as the government expands TSA screenings to virtually all Americans.
If you drive yourself to work in the morning, or take the kids to school, or if you operate any type of motor vehicle, you will be subject to new TSA screenings.
The government wants to make sure that no one is driving bombs on the nation’s roads. So, all drivers will be screened prior to heading out anywhere.
The TSA recommends calling their new service at least two hours prior to your departure time in the morning. In busy metropolitan areas, calling three to four hours before you expect to leave your house or apartment is recommended.
A TSA agent will drive to your house in a mobile screening van. You will be expected to step into a full body scanner or to undress and be patted down. The pat down will include checking all bodily orifices to ensure no bombs or bomb materials have been hidden.
Drivers should also be prepared to remove wigs, toupees, false teeth, prosthetics, jewelry, glasses, hearing aids, glass eyes, band-aids and related items so that agents can perform a complete check.
Drivers will also be prohibited from carrying any type of liquids in their cars. Drive-thrus will no longer be able to offer coffee, juices or soft drinks due to these new regulations. You will have to eat inside if you want a beverage.
Automobiles will also be checked for prohibited items, such as nail files, knives, and other sharp-pointed items. Any utensils carried in your lunch must be disposable, recyclable plastic.
Select drivers will also be selected for more intense screenings. Drivers will be questioned about their routes and GPS units may be placed in their cars to confirm that they follow those routes. They may also be subject to a dental screening and a colonoscopy to check for deeply concealed dangerous substances. They will also be required to detail any tattoos or birthmarks they have, and provide a detailed explanation for each. In the case of birthmarks, they will need to provide a notarized statement from their doctor and two witnesses that those birthmarks have been present on their body for at least 48 months. Failure to have said documentation on hand at the time of the screening can result in a $1,500 fine for non-compliance. Drivers will also be required to hand over their Amazon.com password so that agents can review the types of books they have purchased.
There will be no opt-out procedure. Additionally, passengers in cars may be subject to screenings as well if, in the opinion of the TSA agent at the scene, they are deceptive, suspicious or “hot.”
Government representatives say that these changes are necessary to ensure the safety of the traveling public and that people just need to get used to these new changes. Complaints must be registered, in person, at a special office set up in Guantanamo Bay. Complainants are encouraged to only purchase one-way tickets in order to save money… and to be prepared for screenings at the airport or dock.
/satire(?)
Can you even IMAGINE if that was REAL? OMG. I would leave the country.
Sounds too close to reality in my opinion. I’d consider moving to another country but I don’t want to go through any of those screenings, pat downs and especially not any x-ray equipment.