Reportedly, Sammy Hagar was abducted by aliens.

So, apparently being rich and famous doesn’t protect you from alien abductions.

It’s a worrisome thing. One moment, you’re minding your own business, usually sleeping comfortably in bed, and the next moment you’re naked, gagged and strapped to a cold metal table while wide-eyed wayfarers from far away poke and prod you.

While that may be a typical weekend for Charlie Sheen, it’s something many of us would not consider #winning.

So, you’re thinking to yourself, self, how can I avoid being abducted by aliens?

Well, I’ve never been abducted by aliens, so I can offer you a few tips.

1. Carry a magnet. Yes, a magnet. I’ve carried a magnet in my pocket for years. Comes in handy, especially when you’ve dropped something made of iron or steel and can’t see where it fell on the floor. Some rumors say that the “little grey men” aren’t really men at all, but robots. So, naturally, they’re going to avoid magnets. Screws up their systems.
2. Know how to crash their ships. Did you know that if you take a hollow copper pole, connect a wire to the bottom end, run the wire to a body of water such as a pond or lake, and aim the top end of the pole at an alien spaceship, it will cause it to crash? I read that years ago. Never tried it, but I’m thinking I can assume it’s true because aliens have never abducted me. I’m thinking they don’t abduct people that know how to bring down their ships.
3. Pray. Reportedly, praying scares the aliens off. If they enter your room, start sincerely praying to God. Stops them in their tracks. I guess they’re atheists or something. Or maybe they can feel God’s presence. Either way, give it a shot the next time you spot an alien at the foot of your bed.
4. Eat plenty of garlic. Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that’s for vampires. Well, how do you know aliens aren’t also vampires?
5. Keep silver handy. Either silver bullets or maybe a sharp pointed piece of silver or something. Aliens could be werewolves too. Why take the chance?
6. Get alien abduction insurance. I’ll sell it to you for $10/month. 6 month minimum term. If you ever get abducted by aliens, and can prove it, I’ll pay you $50. Contact me for details.
7. Don’t be normal. They want normal specimens. They don’t want anything out of the ordinary. So, don’t be the average person. Be a little off.
8. Close the window at night. Seriously, are you trying to invite them in? Close the window! Lock it good. Better yet, sleep in the basement.
9. Have a cow. It distracts them. If they have to choose between abducting humans or mutilating cattle, they always go with mutilating cattle. These aliens are some sick puppies.
10. Be prepared to think violent thoughts. The aliens cannot read your mind and manipulate you if you’re thinking violent thoughts about how you’re going to grab them by their thin little necks and twist and twist and twist until their head pops right off. Oh, wait. No. That was an episode of Star Trek. Never mind.

So, there you go. Now you, too, can avoid being abducted by aliens!

This entry was posted on Monday, March 28th, 2011 at 11:59 am and is filed under Off the Wall. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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