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They Said Not to Write Fiction for a Blog Post

So, while skimming through the blogosphere yesterday, I read that writers who blog should have blog posts that are non-fiction, not fiction. Well, you know I hate rules, so this blog post, outside of this introductory paragraph, is going to be completely fictional.

We start on a cool summer’s day. Where are we? I’m not sure yet. Um, let’s say it’s a cool summer’s day on the outskirts of a small town, which is basically a rural area, and the town is so small it doesn’t even have its own post office. So, the nearest big city is where people have to collect their mail, which means they only go there about once a week, to save on gas, because it’s a long drive.

So, our main character, let’s call him Fred. No, not Fred, because he’s a woman. Sure, Fred could be short for Fredericka or something, but let’s go with a more girly name. How about Hank, which can be a pet name for Henry but, in this case, shall be for Henrietta.

Anyway, Hank is out in the field. She’s wearing a pretty white dress and blue jeans. Yes, she has jeans under the dress. Why? Don’t know. We’re not going to find out either, because I’m not going to go there.

Oh? You want to know? Okay, we’ll ask her.

“Hey, Hank,” I say. “Behind me is the reader of this blog post who would like to know why you are wearing blue jeans and a dress. Care to explain?”

She looks up at me, and then past me right at you. She’s walking towards us. Still walking. Okay, she’s right in front of me now. She has green eyes. Brown hair. Oh, I could see her hair before, but I forget to mention it. I couldn’t see her eyes until now. Anyway, she’s giving you a dirty look and, oh, okay, she just punched you in the nose. Sorry about that.

You have a nosebleed now. Okay, I’ll wait while you go grab a tissue…

Come back anytime now…

I don’t know how to type out whistling but that’s what I’m doing.

Okay. You’re back? Good. You ought to have that nose looked at later. I think Hank may have broken it.

While you were gone, Hank went back into the field where we started on this cool summer’s day.

She’s sitting on a tree trunk. It’s a downed tree. I don’t think it was chopped down. Looks like it snapped or something. Possibly due to a windstorm, as I don’t see any sign of lightning. Also looks like it’s been dead for a while. There are no living branches, leaves are long gone, and the wood has that cracked and aged look. Looks dry too.

So, that’s where she is. Looks like she’s waiting for someone… or something. Ooh. You just assumed she’d be waiting for a boy or a girlfriend, didn’t you? Maybe her dog? Well, I don’t know what she’s waiting for because I haven’t thought that up yet, but, oh, it just came to me as I’m typing this.

From the woods near the field—the tree trunk she’s sitting on is just outside the woods perhaps fifty feet away—there is a rustling of leaves and snapping of twigs. It’s like something big is coming.

Oh, look. It’s bigfoot.

You’d think the girl would be scared, but that would make you kind of sexist, wouldn’t it? Anyway, she’s not scared. She’s waving to him.

He waves back and walks over to her. He sits on the tree trunk too, a couple feet from her.

“How’s it hanging, Lou?” she asks bigfoot, whose name is apparently Lou.

“Some hunters caught me on camera,” Lou replies. “The fools weren’t wearing any orange, so I never even saw them.”

“Oh, no,” says Hank.

“I’m sure it’ll be okay,” Lou says. “As soon as I saw them filming me, I made sure to drop some of that fake fur you gave me. I watched them pick it up later, so once they have that tested, no one will believe them.”

“I told you that would come in handy,” says Hank.

“Yeah,” bigfoot replies.

Hank scoots closer to bigfoot. Looking down at her feet while swinging her legs, she asks, “So, what else you been doing?”

“Well,” says bigfoot. “I spend my nights in the big city hunting down zombies.”

“Oh, don’t be silly,” Hank replies.

“Look,” says bigfoot, all serious like. “Your government doesn’t want you to know what’s going down, but zombies are spreading like wildfire. You’re lucky to live out in the middle of nowhere. No zombies here yet.”

“And they hire you to go round up zombies?” she asks. “What if you get infected? Surely, they wouldn’t want a zombified bigfoot on the rampage.”

“Oh, we’re immune,” bigfoot says. “Only humans and pigs can be infected by the zombie virus.”

“Uh, huh,” says Hank. I don’t think she believes him. “And how do you not get spotted by people while you hunt zombies at night?”

Bigfoot, er, Lou looks around and then whispers to Hank, “I’m Batman!”

She giggles. “You are not!”

He laughs. Was he kidding or not? Hmm.

“So,” Hank says. “You must be hungry after hunting down all those zombies.”

“A half dozen last night,” bigfoot replies. He pauses for a moment. “But, I could eat.”

Hank puts her hand on his hairy knee. “You want to go back to my place,” she asks, blinking a little more than normal, “and order a pizza?”

Bigfoot raises an eyebrow and gives Hank a look-over. “Alright,” he says. “But, you’re sure your parents won’t mind?”

“Oh, this is the weekend they head into the city to get groceries and mail and stuff,” she says. “They won’t be back until tomorrow night.”

Lou knew they wouldn’t be coming back the next night, or any other night. He gently puts his hand on her shoulder. “I want anchovies on mine.”

Hank puts her hand over Lou’s hairy hand. “No onions though.”

Bigfoot smiles. “No onions.”

They both giggle. Then, they get off the tree trunk and start walking across the field, toward Hank’s house which, conveniently, is toward the sunset. They hold hands as they walk.


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Comment by Marj Wyatt
2012-06-04 00:43:37

What a sweet story! Of course, I am curious to know why Hank punched me.

By the way, I always knew that Bigfoot was real!

Comment by dcr
2012-06-04 00:47:44

It’s a good thing he’s real or the zombies would be out of control.

Comment by Anita Cross
2012-06-04 02:48:37

You have such a fertile imagination. And a delightful irreverence.

This post was a real hoot to read.

Comment by dcr
2012-06-04 12:46:05


Comment by Lee Dobbins
2012-06-04 08:47:16

Bigfoot sex?

Comment by hagar
2012-06-05 00:55:07

didn’t see that coming… I’m gonna shock you now, and say “well written” :)

Comment by Dan
2013-01-21 12:24:25

Bigfoot is Batman?

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