Michelle is so desperate for me to not start an Antiques blog that she’s pulling out her own hair, as this surveillance camera footage shows:

As for why I have the surveillance camera watching Michelle, I don’t. It’s part of the new Google Everywhere (beta). Not content to just violate our privacy by posting photos of our homes online, they’re now going to be installing webcams in all our homes, in cooperation with Homeland Security.

For today’s Photo Phriday, it’s curtains for you!

Visit Wordless Wednesday for more.

It’s time for another edition of “Weird Stuff You Can Win on eBay.” Let’s jump right in…

MUMMIES
There was a “rare” mummified cat and a dog that were available, but both listings are no longer available. Bummer. Guess you’ll have to settle for this Goth Rubber Duck which comes complete with a death certificate.

IT’S JUST A FLESH WOUND
Buy yourself some flesh from an accidental gunshot wound. The guy needs money to start an art studio. Better send him some money. Perhaps he got wounded when someone else with too much money was shooting coins.

Flesh not your thing? How about a nice human hairball? [Oops! Too late. Bidding has ended!]

Human miscellanea still not your thing? You’d just rather have the money? Well, you can get started by buying this big empty bag of money.

PRINTING MEMORABILIA
I just include this printing memorabilia because I figured Pete might like it.

ANTHROPOMORPHIC FOODS
A Cheeto that looks like a Cheeto! Wow!

The Cross in my Pocket Potato.

Frito with a Verse Inscribed on It. Some sort of hallucinogenic drug apparently required to see it.

Outties aren’t just for hot babes anymore. They’re on apples too. Must be those enhancement drugs seeping into the water supply…

A flippin’ potato chip and one with a pontiff’s hat. And a coupon for a potato chip shaped like the continental U.S. Why don’t they just sell the chip itself? Too obscene or too religious for you? How about a potato chip bunny? Or the Great Maryland Potato Chip with a Bunny. Obviously a matter of great state pride. Or, maybe you’ll prefer the Official Ohio Chicken Nugget.

A dirty hard-boiled egg. R-rated, or not, depending upon your imagination.

Frosted Flake King Tut or a Great Corn Flake Hummingbird. Tough choice. Maybe you’ll want both and have a more complete collection?

An Apple with a Heart. Great for the Mac Fanatic in your life!

An onion ring peace sign and another not quite as good.

How about a Presidential Potato Profile of George Washington? Or try to solve the mystery of who killed the Peanut Kenny from South Park? Or maybe just settle for a peanut shaped like a duck or a Popcorn Dog.

How about a smiley face chocolate chip cookie? Or a chocolate chip cookie depicting the solar system before Pluto was kicked out of the planetary system.

Spicy pork rind depicting Jesus holding a lamb. Question: How much beer (or wine) must you consume to see it?

Finally, a living Mr. Potato Head.

ANTHROPOMORPHIC NON-FOODS
An Oyster Shell that Looks like a Human Ear! Freaky.

Not human, but we’ll shoehorn it into this category anyway… A driftwood dinosaur! Your kid will have hours of fun!

Stone Duck Rock Head. Okay, so that’s not human either.

And neither is this one… Quartz Crystal Shaped like a Bunny Head. Must be weird, wild wabbit week or something.

DESPERATION
Some people aren’t lucky enough to find George Washington in their bag of potatoes. Those poor, unfortunate souls have to resort to tactics like these…

A black fine point Sharpie! Pay more than retail! Wow!

But, if you like overpriced office supplies, how about this ordinary rubber band?

A defective saltine cracker. Okay. But, that’s just slightly less desperate than this Ritz Cracker shaped like the Sun. You know. Round. And, it’s almost indistinguishable from this last Ritz Cracker in the Box!

Down, down the pits of desperation we go, as we find this Skim Milk Carton that Looks Like a 2% Milk Carton, with a different color lid and a different label. Don’t let this one pass you by!

This one is both desperate and sad… A woman trying to save her house from foreclosure by selling tiny pieces of it.

Finally, you never know what you’ll get with this Yard Sale starter kit. Mind you, this might be quite an innovative way to unload junk you have around the house.

MODERN DAY SLAVERY
Fight for the rights of the unseen! This 19-year-old is auctioning off his 17-year-old friend. Child slavery! Maybe you ought to buy him and set him free. Be an abolitionist!

LUCK & SUPERSTITION
13 Lucky Cat Whiskers. But, is it from a black cat?

Genuine 4-Leaf Clover. If this one sells, I might just get into the 4-leaf clover business!

BIZARRE
Bring about the end of the human race by building your own humanoid Cylon army! Here’s the head you can start with.

You know the economy is in bad shape when people start selling their friends.

Here’s a pair of standing legs (not quite anatomically correct, except for Barbie’s ex-boyfriend Ken) for your Cylon army.

A giant 8″ poison centipede. Presumably, it’s dead. One hopes.

I think this sponge has an outtie. It’ll be a nice match for that apple you just bid on.

Nothing says “family fun” like this wrestling jelly. Because family picnics are always where you see this stuff. Not at seedy bars. Nope. Family fun.

Finally, if you buy any of these items, you’ll definitely want to buy this hand-painted sign to proclaim to the world how you came into possession of such oddities. Heck, just buy the sign. It’s self-explanatory.

It’s time for another edition of “Weird Stuff You Can Win on Ebay!” Let’s get right to them.

1. Buy a PenPal
   If you’ve ever been rejected by a freakin’ penpal, maybe this is the deal for you. In this day and age, even a long distance friendship can be bought on Ebay.
2. Pet Stick
   Not just any old pet stick, this one’s the original pet stick! Just keep it away from harsh sunlight, don’t get it wet and never feed it after midnight!
3. One Million Dollars - Below Wholesale
   Better stock up. The way the U.S. dollar is tanking and gas keeps going up, you’re going to need a few of these to fuel up your car for the week.
4. 6-Pack of Fake Artichokes
   Because plastic apples and bananas on the table are so 1970s.
5. Solid Brass Clothespin
   Because a solid gold clothespin would be much too expensive in this day and age. Even Donald Trump is (probably) using these to hang his clothes out to dry on top of the Trump Tower. Okay, maybe not.
6. Jesus Profile on an Angel Silhouette
   The Apocalypse is coming any day now. Jesus is being seen everywhere. This time, he was spotted in a barn, so they cut his profile out in the shape of Gabriel blowing his trumpet. The End Times are here!
7. Mr. Whippy on a Tray
   Of course he looks happy. He’s got ice cream and is surrounded by two women in bikinis. Let’s just not even think about why the one woman is on her hands and knees. Let’s not go there at all.
8. ______ Warmers
   I do try to keep this blog at least reasonably SFW, so no link or mention on this one. People do come up with some weird things.
9. 750 Foam Rubber Washers
   Here’s what you need: 750 foam rubber washers. The seller assures that you won’t be disappointed!
10. Pickled Devil Fetus
    Those alien fetuses in a jar are so last year. This year, devils are in!
11. American Made Cinder Block
    Genuine and life size. Must be a collectible. Possibly the first time ever offered on Ebay. Get it before it’s gone. All the new ones are probably made in China out of plastic and sprayed with lead paint.
12. Workshop Stuff in a Box
    So, what happens when you sell all the good stuff and are left with odds and ends that you just don’t know what to do with? Put it in a box and sell it on Ebay, of course! Seller assures you there is “no garbage or anything like that.” Except maybe for that coffee can and the half-used-up bottle of dish soap.
13. Plastic Tray with Polished Rocks
    So, there you are, cleaning up the side of the road when you stumble upon a plastic tray with some polished rocks. What to do? What to do? Well, take them home, take a picture and stick it up on Ebay. At this point, I think it’s safe to say there’s nothing you can’t buy on Ebay.
14. Two-Headed Baby Mold
    Don’t miss out on this great opportunity! With this two-headed baby mold, you can make your rubber 2-headed babies. Then, stick them in jars and sell them on Ebay. It’s a virtual gold mine! Next year, when those devil fetuses become so “last year,” these are sure to be the next big thing.
15. Dog Poo Soap
    Soap that looks like poo. Yes, that’s a great idea for the kids. What better way to teach personal hygiene then by confusing young children what to use to wash their hands.
16. Catlady with Her Cat
    This is just beyond bizarre. Apparently, this catlady has an extra picture of herself with her cat. Give it away to a friend? Store it somewhere safe in case you lose a copy? Nah. See if you can sell it on Ebay. She’ll even autograph it for you.
17. Stripper Antenna Topper
    Somehow, I really don’t think anyone is going to be throwing dollar bills at you. They might throw something else, but not money.
18. Buy a Joke
    Need a laugh? Now you can buy one on Ebay! Opening bid is just ninety-nine cents, but check out the Buy It Now price and wonder what the buyer has been inhaling.
19. Egg Laying Rubber Chicken
    Animal cruelty begins with toys like this.

And, now we get to everyone’s favorite part: FACES!

1. Petrified Wood with Happy Alien Face
   The title says it all.
2. Evil Pumpkinhead Face on Pillsbury Biscuit
   I really don’t think this one needs an explanation.
3. Faces within a Wine Stain
   You’ll remember this from the first edition of Weird Stuff You Can Win on Ebay. Surprise, surprise. No one has paid the asking price of $1,000,000 for it. But, Ebay is sweetening the offer. It says “$10 back with a new eBay MasterCard See Details.” Take that offer and this item will only cost you $999,990.00. Don’t miss out!
4. Real Ghost Face in Orb Photo
   Must have an active imagination to see it! And, $5,000.00.

Well, there you go. Another fine edition of Weird Stuff You Can Win on Ebay. Maybe it will give you some ideas for the weird stuff you can sell on Ebay and make yourself some money.

It’s time for another installment of “Weird Stuff You Can Win on Ebay!”

1. Rubber Band
   Yes, you can buy a rubber band on Ebay. Nope, not a box of ‘em. Just one. The trick here is that it will be wrapped around something (apparently) but you don’t know what you’re gonna get, except for the rubber band, of course. As they say, life is like a box of rubber bands, er, just one rubber band wrapped around something.
2. Bologna Smiley Face
   This seller was frying bologna, and a smiley face just appeared when it was flipped. Now, it can be yours!
3. Dried Oranges with Faces
   These citrus fruits were left out a little too long, and then the seller cheated by drawing faces on them instead of waiting for them to magically appear like you’re supposed to do. Some people have no patience.
4. Jesus Hates It When You Smoke Ashtray
   But Jesus doesn’t hate it when you put out your cigarette in His eye, because regarding a graven image as Him would be idolatry, which is a sin. Still, it doesn’t seem right, but then are you reverting to idolatry if you feel it’s wrong? See, this is why it’s just better not to smoke.
5. Old Can of Sealant as Modern Art
   This might make a great gift for your buddy that collects pop art or weird art or whatever. Sure beats fake dog poop anyway.
6. A Kiss
   This is just kind of sad. No, not “kind of.” This is just sad.
7. Midget Peanut
   It’s a sad day when something considered too small winds up being auctioned off on Ebay. I’m sure this little peanut tried to grow larger, but was choked out of precious nutrients by its greedy siblings. Better grab this peanut and give him a loving home so he doesn’t feel unwanted.
8. Iraq’s Most Wanted Playing Cards
   What’s weird about this? Well, apparently these playing cards from 2003 are from the “weird weird 90s.”
9. E.T. No Hablo Español
   In some countries, people are starving. Even in America, there are starving people. But, here in the U.S., we cook up food, imagine faces on it and put it up on eBay instead of eating it.
10. The Trash Fairy
    Teach your children about the Trash Fairy with this fine art print. If your child takes out the trash, the trash fairy will come and hide a dollar inside the garbage. After rifling through dirty tissues, moldy food, and your cat’s puke, while getting paper cuts on junk mail, your child will learn the cold, hard truth: there is no trash fairy.
11. Dirt from UFO Landing
    The seller has agreed to keep the landing site a secret. To whom did he agree? The aliens? The government? The voice inside his head? Who knows?
12. Advice on Any Topic
    Okay, so, um, question is: how do we get the guy to tell us with whom he made the agreement?
13. Stick a Fork in It, It’s Done
    Some people just don’t want to wait for faces to appear in their fried foods. No way! So, they take a product which already has a face on it, literally stick a fork in it and offer it on eBay. Have I mentioned the starving people?
14. Smoking Baby
    Ceramic smoking baby. Okay.

That’s all for now. Some of these auctions are just getting to be very sad this time around. Auctions I’ve sorted through to find these gems are (1) people selling words (yep, their auctions have ___ ____ ____ and they’ll tell you the missing words if you win the auction) in an effort to save their homes from foreclosure, (2) programs that offer to show you how to become wealthy with your wife or girlfriend (I’m betting it has something to do with porn), (3) auctions with photos of half-naked women selling things that have nothing to do with half-naked women, and (4) plenty of other things that are just too disturbing to mention.

Running out of things to buy at Wal-Mart to add to your odd collectibles? Never fear, as you can always find something on Ebay.

Let’s start out with the obligatory “faces” that appear, as if by magic, in all sorts of things.

Faces

Christmas Cookie with Jesus’ Face: This one has double significance as not only does it feature the face of Jesus but it was also baked on Christmas Eve! Perhaps it would have been more amazing had it been baked on Christmas day, but the night before the Savior’s birth is apparently enough of a miracle. Although, if you ask me, it looks a little more like Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.”

Rock with a Face: This one looks slightly deformed to me. But, never fear, you can always find something better…

Ancient Rock with a Face: This one is a little more like it! Plus, it’s ancient! And rare! And, it will fit nicely in a pocket or purse, so you can carry your newly purchased friend with you where ever you go. Never be lonely again!

Big Nose Lemon Head: It’s bad form when you have to draw in features to make people realize that, yeah, it really does have face-like features. Scribbling on a priceless artifact certainly reduces its value. This one just leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

Faces within a Wine Stain: I think you need to drink the other half of this bottle of wine before you see the aforementioned faces. And, you need to get pretty wasted before you bid on the thing, to pay that amount of money for something so vague and indeterminate. On the other hand, there’s TV shows like Ghost Hunters where networks apparently pay people money to find nothing at all, so there’s hope for this Ebay seller.

Frogs

If you know someone who collects frogs, you’ll want to get them both of these items.

Carved Stone Frog Pestle: Odd and useful at the same time, especially if you know someone that makes their own herbal supplements. Although it looks a little more like a baby Godzilla to me. Either way, where are this poor creature’s hind legs!?

Odd Frog Lot: Nothing too terribly odd with this lot, but it just seems like it should go along with the pestle so you have a nice collection of four frogs. Or three frogs and a baby Godzilla. However you want to roll with it.

Halloween

Halloween is only 302 days away, so you may want to pick up a few of these items. It is never too early to start preparing. Back in the day, my neighbors and I would begin preparing for Halloween back in the summer. Okay, it was mostly me, but we had one heck of a Halloween setup that grew each year.

Area 51 Alien Skull: Hey, wait a minute. How does this seller know that there are aliens at Area 51? Is he suggesting these were modeled after Roswell crash victims? And how does he know it “looks and feels real”? What does he know that he’s not telling us? You better buy one of these before the men in black whisk this seller away.

Strange Mummified Spider with Human Face: It has a “face” and is weird. Doubly weird, eh? Imagine the people you can scare with this one!

Squished Rat Jell-O Mold: Can also be used as an ice cream mold! But the big question is, who serves squished rat with spaghetti? Seems like a more obvious choice would be a rat and rice combo, served with a half bottle of Pinot Noir.

Original Duplicate

Star Trek Phaser Original Prop Duplicate: This is cool. It is an original prop duplicate. I think that is Ebay-speak for “toy, new in box.” I could be wrong though.

Not for Kids

Animal Crackers for Adults Only: Two animal crackers that were baked together in an inappropriate manner. Just think of all the odd and misshapen snacks you’ve seen in your lifetime. In the past, when we were young and stupid, we showed them to our friends, laughed a bit and then we ate them. Now, you put them on Ebay, and someone, somewhere will with stunning frequency actually buy the thing. If you had a nickel, heck, if you had $2.19 for every misshapen snack…

Genuine Hatching Unicorn Egg: Genuine? The platypus aside, the unicorn is definitely a mammal and, like horses or ponies or zebras, they would no doubt not lay eggs. Secondly, who would do this to a kid? Look, Susie, it’s a unicorn hatching! So, poor Susie watches intently as nothing happens. Oh, sorry Susie, the poor baby unicorn must have suffocated and died in there. Happy Easter! Yes, just imagine Susie’s face…

5 Flying, Screaming Chickens: After teaching Susie the sadness of death, let’s indoctrinate her with the joy of animal abuse by giving her these wonderful chickens that scream as you fling them from their necks high into the air.

Pictures

I Get the Picture You Want: For just $3.68, this seller will “get the picture you want.” Methinks he (or she) should have put up more of a disclaimer on this one…

50 New Modeling Pictures: This seller will sell you 50 new modeling pictures of herself for just $11.99. This one just seems creepy to me. Plus her smile seems to be a cry for help.

Odd

There’s no other way to describe these…

Old Hanging Wood Salt Box: Okay, this one is kind of neat, if you’re interested in older home goods. Circa 1930, according to the seller. That’s where you kept your salt.

Old Cast Iron Bottle Opener: Old cast iron bottle opener, or early CIA interrogation device? I’m not sure.

Incredible Domed Penny: A domed penny for your thoughts? Bet he’s making his money on the shipping.

Just Wrong

Some things just defy odd and are just plain wrong. Just wrong, I tell you. Wrong.

Last Ritz Cracker in the Box: In the old days, whoever got it first, got it. Then, in more civilized days, we might have used something like Paper, Rock, Scissors. Now, we just stick it on Ebay. C’mon!!! Too bad he spelled “Ritz” wrong in his title, because if someone was looking for the last Ritz cracker in the box on Ebay, they wouldn’t find his.

Pistol Style Lighter with a Laser Scope: As if we didn’t already have enough cops shooting and tazing people, someone had the bright idea of bringing this product to the marketplace. It looks like a gun, but it’s a harmless lighter. And, the ever so useful laser scope for the gun-shaped lighter only makes it look more like a gun and less like a harmless lighter. Yep, it’s all fun and games, until your friend goes to light your cigarette and gets blown away by the off-duty officer at the convenience store.

The Odd Couple Sings LP: Can there be anything more wrong? On top of that, if you try to copy it to your MP3 player, the RIAA will sue you into oblivion.

Well, hopefully you will find something to your liking in this batch of weirdness. I think you should bid on the Carved Stone Frog Pestle because he’s also a pocket warmer, and it’s shaping up to be a cold winter so far. This one’s certain to go fast!

I’ve given this much thought (about 4 minutes worth), and I have come up with a foolproof plan to be elected President of the United States in 2008.

If I legally change my name to “None Of The Above” and get myself on the ballots in all 50 states, I will win by a landslide.

Who wants to sign my petition?

Same guy as earlier, now with healthier skin. Plus, he spins!

Behold… My creation…

Maybe he’s some odd piece of pottery, or an alien wailing to evolve further. Almost feels like this should be made into a business card or something.

And, he’s not a flying monkey, so Jon should be okay with it. Joanne may lose her appetite and Pete might fill him up with Christmas lights. Doesn’t look like Nina, so he’s definitely not The Alien Next Door. Two doors down maybe.

Poor fellow. Even his teeth are fleshy.

Inspired by Jon’s winter and ice photos and Pete’s cold day photo, I thought I would post one of my own.

I don’t know whether it was the little snow mounds on the steps of the brick, or the snow-capped branches on the holly bush, or the free-falling elf, but I just thought this was an interesting photo.