Hello, Mr. Groundhog.

I bet you’ve seen some strange things so far in your short life.

I bet you’ve seen one of your friends take home an odd wife,
And that she was a squirrel made for a terr’ble strife.

I bet you have seen some friends chased away by a broom
That was made with a stick and some old Fruit of the Loom.

I bet you have some friends who just hang out at the zoo.
I bet for fun they speak to snakes, saying “coo” or “moo.”

But surely you’ve never seen a banana gone blue?

What would you do if money was all gone?
Would you stand up and sing a silly song?

What if all the world was going downhill,
Would you swallow a bitter little pill?

Would you stay up until the morning dawn
Working for peanuts and a dried brown lawn?

Would you move into a small dirty car
And park it outside of the local bar?

Would you still keep writing a daily blog
While sharing a pen with a muddy hog?

Or, would you just sit out on your dead lawn
While you finished your milk and last bonbon?

What wood you do if I sanded along
And dropped a few notes of my silly song?

Wood you freak out and drop a silver tong,
Or head to town for a game of ping pong?

Wood you let ice cream melt down your blue thong,
Or let it drip down your bust of King Kong?

What wood you do if I righted a wrong
Before you walked up and banged on the gong?

I call this “Hammer Time!” For one thing, the hands are hammers. For another thing, since it’s not a real clock, you can’t touch this!

Would look great in your tool room or kitchen. Or your kitchen tool room. Space is tight these days. You might have to double up. I’m not passing any judgments on you if your tool room is also your kitchen or vice versa. Even Julia Child was known to use a blow torch now and then.

But, since it’s not real, like I told you, you can’t touch this. Yeah, you can’t touch this. You can’t hang it on your wall either! So, get with the weather and say “hi” to Heather. This clock has no tether!

It’s off the wall, because it’s never been real! But, if it were, it would be a steal of a deal. Ha ha, he he, yee haw, y’all! And you know it’s off the hook, and the envy of ev’ry crook, because you can’t touch this. Naw, y’all. You can’t touch this!

Break it down? It runs on 2 AA batteries, or, at least, that’s I how envision it would run. Maybe it would need AC current, though. Hammers are pretty heavy for a small motor to turn around. We’ll need some horsepower on this baby. What say you? Maybe?

But wait…

Maybe you’re running late
For an important date
With your cute neighbor Kate.

Could be a trick of fate,
You gotta call from Nate
Who needs to get a plate?

It’s an annoying trait
Of your ol’ pal & mate
To cause you to be late.

But wait…

You’ve gotta pay the freight
To fetch his dining crate
Which was sent a cheap rate.

When you at least meet Kate,
For your important date,
She says, “Sorry, ate…

…with Nate.”

But, wait…

Stop! Hammer time!

After yesterday’s blog post about the Banana Borg, I know what you’re thinking…

You’re wondering how it could even be possible for a cyborg banana to exist.

Well, are you in for a surprise!

You see, it all starts when a banana hooks up with a mouse.

A mouse? Oh, I see, you think the mouse would eat the banana. Well, you might be right, but where you’re wrong is in thinking about the wrong type of mouse.

You see, I have an exclusive photo of the origins of the banana borg. Not even The National Enquirer could get a hold of this exclusive photo!

So, pat yourself on the back right now for choosing to read my blog instead. This is where you’ll find all the fruity scandals! Probably.

I went through a lot of trouble to get this photo for you. Many Bothans died in order to deliver the information that led to the capture of this image, so you should be grateful for their sacrifice so that you might know the truth.

And, being that truth is what we are all, at our core, after, you should be doubly grateful, for you not only get to satisfy your prurient interest but also your inner yearning for truth.

And by a truth we say the truth is the truth we say we’re after even when we don’t say we’re after the truth we seek and even though we may speak of wanting the truth while not really meaning we want the truth but still maintaining an inner desire for the truth, to speak the truth and to keep unhidden the truth even if our very natures belie the truth, that is but our outward nature and not the inner nature passionately seeking to be free and to escape and to learn the truth, to study the truth and to, ultimately, release that truth so that others who also seek that same truth might find it.

And, so thusly, this photo is released to the world, revealing the shocking origins of the banana borg. There is no turning back now! Do not scroll down further if you do not wish to see it, if you do not wish to have the truth revealed to you.

Of course, you know you cannot resist, for resistance is futile and your yearning for the truth will overcome any desire to keep it hidden away.

This is the last warning you will receive. Are you ready for the truth? Are you truly ready? Deep down, you are ready, though you may not be ready to admit that and, if you cannot readily admit it, seeing the shocking truth now may be too much for you to handle and I cannot accept any responsibility for any damage done to your psyche once the truth has been uncovered for you.

Well, then, take a deep breath and revel in the truth of the banana borg origins…

Just when you thought it was safe to reach back into the fruit basket… It’s the banana borg! One of a bunch of eight. You will be potassiumated. Resistance is slippery.

This used to be Tech Tuesday. Not for over a year, though!

This is one of those useless posts that is sure to make my blog immensely popular this month. I don’t get it. I post useful posts, and no one reads them. I post something completely off the wall, and people come crawling out of the woodwork to see them.

Maybe I should throw in some keywords to bring in the readers: banana borg, banana showing skin, one of eight, not seven of nine, not Jeri Ryan, not a picture of a naked woman eating a banana, bananarama, gone bananas, heaven help us all, what is this blog coming to, not a picture of a naked woman in an apron preparing a banana, not a banana and peanut butter sandwich like Elvis liked, not a stripper wearing a banana suit, banana banana banana, wherefore art thou my banana, not a vintage banana, not an antique banana, not a post on how not to go bananas, who needs a shrink, can you post banana photos on a WordPress blog, one banana two banana yellow banana green banana, did Dr. Seuss ever write about bananas, banana bing, bing bing bing, living in a banana republic, not a banana history report, no Dole bananas here, not about how to eat a banana, not a fried banana in the joint, not a banana museum, where have all the bananas gone?

There. That should get me some interesting traffic, no? I just hope no one comes looking for a naked Elvis painting with a banana leather frame.

You know what would be good? A banana dipped in chocolate. A chocolate-covered banana. On a stick.

A banana milkshake! A banana creme pie! There’s no limit to what you can do with a banana!

Even if it’s only making silly pictures with them.

Look at that! They are barcoding our toilet paper now!

That’s so they can keep track of how many sheets you use! Newer toilets can scan these barcodes and, when you exceed your monthly limit, cut you off from flushing!

That’s right! Once you’ve exceeded your monthly quota of toilet paper tissues, you will not be able to flush anymore! You will be locked out until the following month!

Better stock up on air fresheners.

Finishing out bananas week is this amazing image of a banana that’s bigger on the inside than on the outside. It’s so big, a whole universe fits inside! That’s called dimensional transcendence. The bit about being bigger on the inside, that is. The part of being big enough on the inside to hold a whole universe doesn’t have a name because no one has ever seen it happen before!

Actually, that would be called a pocket universe. And, you didn’t think you’d learn anything here today, did you? Tsk tsk.

Gift card giving is getting crazy. Do you ever think about that? Why gift cards? Why not just exchange cash? And, in that case, while exchange the cash at all?

Think about it. Your friend gives you a $25 gift card for your birthday. On your friend’s birthday, you reciprocate with a $25 gift card. Now, you’ve effectively evened out.

Now, your friend gets married. So, now on birthdays, you’re giving a gift card to your friend and probably also his/her spouse. So, now that’s $50 you’re spending. If you’re lucky, you’ll get $50 in return on your birthday, but odds are that you’ll get $25. So, the couple is up by $25.

So, you can even that out by getting married. Then, you’re back to fifty-fifty.

Then, come the kids. So, they have a kid. Now you end up giving the kid a $10 gift on his/her birthday. So, now you’re down by ten dollars again.

You can even that out by having a kid of their own, but then your friend has a second kid. Back to square one.

The answer is to have six kids, because the odds are your friend will not have six kids. Many people will stop at one or two these days. So, by going past the average, your family will be up at least $40.

Of course, if your friend gets the same idea in his or her mind, your friend may up the ante by having 8 kids.

You can reciprocate by having 12.

Your friend gets divorced, marries a younger woman, has 6 more kids.

At this point, you’re down by two, but is it really worth ten bucks to have three more?

I think your friend wins at this point.

Then again, you can probably stop at six kids because, at that point, who will have time for friends anymore?

I think the odds are on your side for six kids. You’ll either best your friend in the gift card game, or you won’t have to worry about it because you won’t have time for friends anymore.

Or, maybe we just all need to come up with an alternative to the gift card giving madness?

Once again, I stole the title style from JD so you can blame her for the title ending with a preposition.

Anyway, there are things that even JD will not do for you. Luckily for you, I’m here to fill in for those things. In the past, I have done such things as taking pictures of manila envelopes and taking pictures of empty bottles.

This time, I took pictures of a banana so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

We’re not going to get into the politics of banana production, instead, simply enjoy photos of bananas.

You’ve already seen the banana photographed above, so now below you can see it in Star Trek: The Banana Generation phaser mode:

Below, we have a film noir banana pistol:

This next one is a bit more mysterious. The banana pistol appears to have been left somewhere, but what is that ominous shadow? Is someone approaching, preparing to arm themselves with a banana? Or, is the shadow that of a closing door, from the murderer fleeing the scene, leaving the banana weapon behind?

Here is a banana, all alone in the dark, half-naked, not knowing anyone is watching. Who’s watching the banana? Is it the mystery murderer from the previous scene? A banana stalker gone bananas? Who will save the lone banana?

Alas, no hero arrived in time. All that remains of the lonely banana is the banana peel, carefully left behind by the murderer. Or, was the banana simply kidnapped, left in a baggie to be sliced and cut into a fruit salad or perhaps a Jell-O mold?

The banana is never seen again. The show must go on, however, and so our producers have found a replacement banana.

But what fate will await this banana? Will the ghost of the banana past show up to ruin the scenes? Will this banana suffer the same unknown destiny? That’s a story to be continued for another day!

Or not.