What would you do if money was all gone?
Would you stand up and sing a silly song?

What if all the world was going downhill,
Would you swallow a bitter little pill?

Would you stay up until the morning dawn
Working for peanuts and a dried brown lawn?

Would you move into a small dirty car
And park it outside of the local bar?

Would you still keep writing a daily blog
While sharing a pen with a muddy hog?

Or, would you just sit out on your dead lawn
While you finished your milk and last bonbon?

What wood you do if I sanded along
And dropped a few notes of my silly song?

Wood you freak out and drop a silver tong,
Or head to town for a game of ping pong?

Wood you let ice cream melt down your blue thong,
Or let it drip down your bust of King Kong?

What wood you do if I righted a wrong
Before you walked up and banged on the gong?

One of these days, I need to get a close-up lens…

A Daring Jumping Spider, also known as a Bold Jumping Spider. It is a common spider in the continental United States, except for the west coast.

I always liked these as a kid because they looked like little tarantulas. These are one of the rare spiders my mother didn’t kill, for the same reason. They are not related to tarantulas. That’s probably a good thing because these guys can jump as much as 50 times their body length. I don’t think you’d want to see a tarantula do that!

The daring jumping spider averages anywhere from a half inch to a little more than three-quarters of an inch in length. That means they could potential jump as far as 3 feet and 3 inches!

The jumping spider is an active hunter. They don’t build webs and wait for dinner to come to them. Like the assassin bug, the jumping spider hunts down their next meal!

The jumping spider does not rely on mental manifestation or daydreaming of his next meal, hoping it will arrive at his doorstep. No, the jumping spider actively seeks it out!

The jumping spider works hard during the day and sleeps at night, as most people do. They are curious and not easily intimated, which makes them successful and are, not coincidentally, two of the keys of success for humans as well!

So, if you should see one of these spiders, think of the lessons you can learn. And, wave to him. He might just wave back at you!

So, you want to make big bucks blogging? Well, here is the path to fame and fortune, starting with a blog.

1. Change your name to U2 because you too want to be rich and famous.

2. Start a blog under your new name.

3. Get lots of traffic and make some good money selling ads.

4. Get sued by U2 for trademark infringement and probably several other legal violations.

5. Lose your case. Badly.

6. Move into your friend’s basement.

Oops. Your friend lives in a trailer park? So much the better for your story!

6. Move under your friend’s trailer.

7. Share food with the raccoons.

8. Write a book about your experience.

9. Rewrite the book after the raccoons ate your first book. Be sure to mention this in your new book.

10. Get your book published.

11. Appear on Oprah.

12. Cry. A lot. Be careful not to jump on Oprah’s couch, though. It would just make you look like a lunatic.

13. Sell hundreds of thousands of books because of your appearance on Oprah. As the author, that will entitle you to royalties probably in the neighborhood of tens of dollars.

14. Sell the movie rights to your life story.

15. The movie soundtrack will feature songs by U2, making them even richer.

Congratulations! You have helped U2 make millions more because of your blog!

I call this “Hammer Time!” For one thing, the hands are hammers. For another thing, since it’s not a real clock, you can’t touch this!

Would look great in your tool room or kitchen. Or your kitchen tool room. Space is tight these days. You might have to double up. I’m not passing any judgments on you if your tool room is also your kitchen or vice versa. Even Julia Child was known to use a blow torch now and then.

But, since it’s not real, like I told you, you can’t touch this. Yeah, you can’t touch this. You can’t hang it on your wall either! So, get with the weather and say “hi” to Heather. This clock has no tether!

It’s off the wall, because it’s never been real! But, if it were, it would be a steal of a deal. Ha ha, he he, yee haw, y’all! And you know it’s off the hook, and the envy of ev’ry crook, because you can’t touch this. Naw, y’all. You can’t touch this!

Break it down? It runs on 2 AA batteries, or, at least, that’s I how envision it would run. Maybe it would need AC current, though. Hammers are pretty heavy for a small motor to turn around. We’ll need some horsepower on this baby. What say you? Maybe?

But wait…

Maybe you’re running late
For an important date
With your cute neighbor Kate.

Could be a trick of fate,
You gotta call from Nate
Who needs to get a plate?

It’s an annoying trait
Of your ol’ pal & mate
To cause you to be late.

But wait…

You’ve gotta pay the freight
To fetch his dining crate
Which was sent a cheap rate.

When you at least meet Kate,
For your important date,
She says, “Sorry, ate…

…with Nate.”

But, wait…

Stop! Hammer time!

Happy happy happy!

It’s been raining all week.

There is a pause in the rain at the moment, but more will be coming.

More rain and scattered thunderstorms tonight and into the morning.

Some may be severe.

Rain, rain and more rain.

After yesterday’s blog post about the Banana Borg, I know what you’re thinking…

You’re wondering how it could even be possible for a cyborg banana to exist.

Well, are you in for a surprise!

You see, it all starts when a banana hooks up with a mouse.

A mouse? Oh, I see, you think the mouse would eat the banana. Well, you might be right, but where you’re wrong is in thinking about the wrong type of mouse.

You see, I have an exclusive photo of the origins of the banana borg. Not even The National Enquirer could get a hold of this exclusive photo!

So, pat yourself on the back right now for choosing to read my blog instead. This is where you’ll find all the fruity scandals! Probably.

I went through a lot of trouble to get this photo for you. Many Bothans died in order to deliver the information that led to the capture of this image, so you should be grateful for their sacrifice so that you might know the truth.

And, being that truth is what we are all, at our core, after, you should be doubly grateful, for you not only get to satisfy your prurient interest but also your inner yearning for truth.

And by a truth we say the truth is the truth we say we’re after even when we don’t say we’re after the truth we seek and even though we may speak of wanting the truth while not really meaning we want the truth but still maintaining an inner desire for the truth, to speak the truth and to keep unhidden the truth even if our very natures belie the truth, that is but our outward nature and not the inner nature passionately seeking to be free and to escape and to learn the truth, to study the truth and to, ultimately, release that truth so that others who also seek that same truth might find it.

And, so thusly, this photo is released to the world, revealing the shocking origins of the banana borg. There is no turning back now! Do not scroll down further if you do not wish to see it, if you do not wish to have the truth revealed to you.

Of course, you know you cannot resist, for resistance is futile and your yearning for the truth will overcome any desire to keep it hidden away.

This is the last warning you will receive. Are you ready for the truth? Are you truly ready? Deep down, you are ready, though you may not be ready to admit that and, if you cannot readily admit it, seeing the shocking truth now may be too much for you to handle and I cannot accept any responsibility for any damage done to your psyche once the truth has been uncovered for you.

Well, then, take a deep breath and revel in the truth of the banana borg origins…

Just when you thought it was safe to reach back into the fruit basket… It’s the banana borg! One of a bunch of eight. You will be potassiumated. Resistance is slippery.

This used to be Tech Tuesday. Not for over a year, though!

This is one of those useless posts that is sure to make my blog immensely popular this month. I don’t get it. I post useful posts, and no one reads them. I post something completely off the wall, and people come crawling out of the woodwork to see them.

Maybe I should throw in some keywords to bring in the readers: banana borg, banana showing skin, one of eight, not seven of nine, not Jeri Ryan, not a picture of a naked woman eating a banana, bananarama, gone bananas, heaven help us all, what is this blog coming to, not a picture of a naked woman in an apron preparing a banana, not a banana and peanut butter sandwich like Elvis liked, not a stripper wearing a banana suit, banana banana banana, wherefore art thou my banana, not a vintage banana, not an antique banana, not a post on how not to go bananas, who needs a shrink, can you post banana photos on a WordPress blog, one banana two banana yellow banana green banana, did Dr. Seuss ever write about bananas, banana bing, bing bing bing, living in a banana republic, not a banana history report, no Dole bananas here, not about how to eat a banana, not a fried banana in the joint, not a banana museum, where have all the bananas gone?

There. That should get me some interesting traffic, no? I just hope no one comes looking for a naked Elvis painting with a banana leather frame.

You know what would be good? A banana dipped in chocolate. A chocolate-covered banana. On a stick.

A banana milkshake! A banana creme pie! There’s no limit to what you can do with a banana!

Even if it’s only making silly pictures with them.

Look at that! They are barcoding our toilet paper now!

That’s so they can keep track of how many sheets you use! Newer toilets can scan these barcodes and, when you exceed your monthly limit, cut you off from flushing!

That’s right! Once you’ve exceeded your monthly quota of toilet paper tissues, you will not be able to flush anymore! You will be locked out until the following month!

Better stock up on air fresheners.