…to bring you absolutely nothing.
This has been my first chance to get on the computer all day. Sure, I should have scheduled a post to appear, but I didn’t think painting was going to take all day.
What? So that’s not good enough for you? You don’t want excuses? You want to see a video?
Okay, then click here for a cool Dalek security camera.
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Last week, I wrote about having a personality for your website or blog. The focus in that post was on doing things with which you are comfortable. It’s difficult to achieve success doing things you don’t enjoy or that make you uncomfortable. With that out of the way, this time around it’s all about personality.
A lot of blogs fail. A lot of eCommerce websites fail. One reason is that frequently people succumb to the idea (which is often bred by the plethora of TV, internet and even spam ads promising us wealth just by having a website) that all they have to do is put up a website and the money will just magically start coming in.
I do web page design and hosting, and I once had a client that had me do a website for them. They had a single page website and did no advertising of any kind for it. I don’t even think they listed the website address on their letterhead or business cards. After three months, they cancelled it because they weren’t getting any business from it! At that time, it’d be at least three months before the search engines even indexed your website.
The other mistake is doing what everyone else is doing. People will create an eCommerce site, sell some products (either stocking them themselves or using drop-ship), and put up an online catalog. And wait for the orders to come pouring in. Now, there are countless other people doing the exact same thing and selling the same or similar products. Now, when given a choice between product a on one website or product a (the exact same product) on another website, which will you choose?
If your answer was “whichever has the cheapest price,” congratulations. You must be a Wal-Mart shopper. Now go to the back of the class.
People tend to think about price first. And, so if they’re running an eCommerce site selling the same thing as a bunch of other sites, their first thought will often be to lower their prices. Then, their competitors respond in turn. Eventually, the prices get so low that profits are hard to come by. If you can tough it out, it might work out well. Once competition is reduced or eliminated, you can raise your prices again.
The old adage is that you can offer the best of two out of three things: price, quality or service. If you offer quality and service, you must have high prices. Quality products and low prices means poor service. Great service and low prices equates to crummy products. You can probably name some examples of companies that provide all three, but those are rarities. For the most part, you’re only going to be seeing two of the three offered.
Now, personality is your secret weapon. It’s your plus-one option. You can two of three aforementioned plus add your own personality.
Personality is what helps you stand out from the crowd. You see, when most people set up their webstores or whatnot, they frequently just copy and paste the manufacturers’ descriptions. Or they’ll write their own, but they will be generic and boring.
Now, when you visit websites, and you see the same product offered at different sites, are you going to go for the lowest price? Maybe. But, what if the price is the same? And, even if it is lower, do you trust the site with the lower price? More than likely, you’re going to go with the site that grabbed your interest, didn’t have an unreasonable price and inspired some amount of trust. If someone knows a product well enough to write their own custom description, doesn’t that convey more trust than a website with a copied and pasted description that’s the same as dozens of other sites?
And, if you have fun on a site (or at a store), aren’t you more likely to return?
So, how exactly do you give your site a personality? Well, that’s up to you! Sure, that sounds like a cop-out, but, really, that’s something you have to determine yourself.
What you don’t want to do is just copy, verbatim, the descriptions offered by the manufacturer. Look at other sites. In just about any niche, if you view a lot of different sites, you’re going to see a lot of the same stuff. You don’t want to repeat what everyone else is doing. You want to make the site your own! You want to stand out from the crowd.
To better illustrate the idea of having a personality, below is a sampling of sites that have unique personalities. They could have just done a generic description and have essentially a “cookie-cutter” website like everyone else, but instead they opted to put their own spin on things. Mind you that a couple of these sites predate the rise of eCommerce, but, before the world wide web, they established unique personalities in their catalogs.
If you want to increase your chances of success, give your blog or eCommerce site or even your retail store a unique personality!
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First time I’ve seen any type of fruit on this tree, which seems to pop up everywhere. Never knew what it was before. But, now I am able to identify it as a Mulberry Tree!
Now, where can I get some silkworms? 
Visit Wordless Wednesday for more.
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All righty then… I haven’t done a list o’links in a while, so here are thirteen for Thursday.
How about that? A proper base-10 thirteen this time around. Possibly my first…
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Now, it’s your turn to do some thinking… Post your thoughts in the comments and get some link love…
This week’s question: What is a babe?
What qualifies someone as a babe? Most commonly, women are referred to as “babes” or “hot babes,” but can men be “babes” too? (I have heard women using the term in much the same way that men do.)
Is “babeness” defined strictly by looks, or do personality and attitude come into play? Can a nice girl who’s not attractive be a babe? Can an attractive woman with a lousy attitude be considered a babe?
Post your thoughts in the comments. Or, if you prefer, do a blog post on your own blog about it and leave a comment here telling me about it. I’ll do a follow-up post summarizing everyone’s thoughts–maybe even do a fancy graph or something–and link to the respondents.
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Pete of My GPS Camera Phone Photoblog asks:
Why is American cheese so yellow? What’s up with that? Is there some reason behind it? Is it a carryover from the Velveeta days? If so, why did they make it so yellow?
Well Pete,
American cheese ranges in color from white to yellow to orange. The color varies based on the quantity of rat urine that leeches in during the processing of the cheese. But, it’s okay because that urine gets pasteurized before the cheese is finished. The whiter the cheese, the less contaminated it is.
Seriously, though, American cheese is a processed cheese and it was originally made using cheeses like Cheddar and Colby. So, that’s where the color originates. Nowadays, it usually is a completely processed cheese with no natural cheeses blended in. The color can come from the ingredients in the cheese as well as any colorings that are added, and can vary by manufacturer and production process.
Learn more here: American cheese.
Do you have a burning question you’d like answered? Send it to: askdcr@dcrblogs.com.
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Look very carefully, and see if you can see something hiding in the background behind the torn leaf. It’s above the little white spot near the branch.
Visit Wordless Wednesday for more.
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Since no one wants to be a guest blogger, we’ll move along to the next piece of advice offered by the “blogging experts” and that is to have readers ask questions.
You see, that helps you generate content your readers are interested in, which keeps them coming back for more.
Mind you, it doesn’t really help grow your site if the same three people are asking the questions all the time. But, if you can get three people to ask questions, that’s half your readership right there. So, 50% participation is a pretty good deal, I think. Let’s go for it!
Okay, so you know the stuff I blog about and, for those that don’t, well look at the old posts. You can ask me any question. Anything. Well, no “adult topics” or anything like that. And, let’s nix politics too. There are enough political blogs out there that no one’s reading so why bother with another? At any rate, try to keep your questions within one of my topics.
Or not. I’m begging here, so I can’t be too choosy.
So, send your questions to: askdcr@dcrblogs.com. That address, of course, may change one day if I start getting a bunch of “Official [insert name of little blue pill]” junk mail.
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Sparkling Awards
I was awarded these two awards by Awake in Rochester. Thanks! It looks like they originate with Glitterfy.com, not Glitterfly.com as I first thought, so let’s give them a link too.
So, who shall I award these to? Well, as they say, the early bird gets the worm, so I’ll pass these awards on to the early commentators on Web Trek II: The Wrath of the Single Blogolope. They are: Michelle Gartner, Rolando, Teeni, Awake in Rochester (imagine that–you’ve been doubly awarded!), Opal @ Vegan Momma, Kacie, Robert A. Henru, Lillie Ammann and the real MrBaconpants.
Pete’s usually early on the scene for these things, but he’s MIA so he misses out on this one, even though he’s the Top Commentator.
And, Joanne, wherefore art though, Joanne? MIA for over a month now, and Pete’s taken the Top Commentator spot away from her.
I Named a Ferret!
Doug had a “Name that ferret (contest!)” and I won! Doug actually preferred a different name, Dweezil, but was outvoted by his family. We all know how that goes… Anyway, I won a $25 gift certificate from PetSmart.com, which means some Chihuahuas are going to be very happy when they get their favorite treats that are only available on PetSmart.com (the local store doesn’t even carry them).
And, now Doug’s new ferret will be known as Ferret Bueller. So, if Ferret runs off like the last one, they’ll just need to hire Ben Stein to walk their neighborhood saying “Bueller. Bueller. Bueller.”
But, anyway, let’s extend some link love to the other contenders in the contest: Chris (no URL listed), dcr (wait… that was me…), Dwight Wannabe, Anduin, Tracy MacNish, Stamper in CA (no URL listed), Angel (no URL listed), Dean, microsoar, C2 (no URL listed), shaina, rawdawgbuffalo, fiveandfour, Lucie (no URL listed), Neo and CornDog.
Crossing Memes Off the List
I can cross this one off the list, since I got them all (I hope!) in yesterday’s viral story.
Star Blogger Award
Jeanne awarded this one to me back in January. Thanks!
I’m going to pass this along to Pete for his educational videos, Robert for giving everyone a reason to smile, and Bobby because we don’t want to make him mad. Ever.
And, whoever the blogger is that has pop-under ads for Netflix, I am going to track you down and make Bobby mad at you. I hate those pop-under ads. And, now I dislike Netflix for using them.
You Cheer Me Up Award
I was awarded this one by Ann of A Nice Place in the Sun, also in January. Thanks!
I am going to pass this one along to Terence for his Smile My Day blog.
Have a Happy Winning Tuesday everyone!
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It’s time for another viral story! Like the last two (here and here), we’ll stick with the ship theme. And, we’re going to do a sequel to the last one (here).
Hopefully, this time I won’t miss (m)any bloggers!!!
DISCLAIMER: The story below is fictional. Blog names and titles are used in a creative, fictional way and are not intended to be, nor should they be construed as, an accurate representation of any blogs or bloggers.
Web Trek II
Space, the Untwisted Vortex.
These are the Slyvisions of the U.S.S. Cariboo Ponderer.
Its One Man’s Goal: to Think Like Them, to Blog That Outside, to boldly Escape Job Hell!
Episode 2: “The Wrath of the Single Blogolope”
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Webdate 176.255.234.91.0208:28
In our last episode, in accordance with our mission of peace, we successfully annihilated the Digital Lost Boys in the Techie Zone and brought the ambassadors from the Lewis Empire and the Misdo Club to the Bamboo Nation peace conference.
Unfortunately, we never found the Lewis Empire’s ambassadors’ pet Blogolope which escaped from their care. But, I doubt that forgetting all about it and never looking for it again would ever pose a problem. After all, I filed my report, so it’s out of my hands now. If Webfleet wants to look for it, they can send someone. I’m sure the Blogolope won’t blame me. If you’re happy, I would be; from a distance is how I’m sure it feels.
As predicted, we left the Nerdy Nomad and ZIFF - The Blogger Who Asks Stupid Questions behind at Skittle’s Place. Syaf the Geek is still upset about losing his GPS Camera Phone.
“I am still upset about losing My GPS Camera Phone, sir,” said Lt. Commander Syaf.
“LOGGING!!!”
“Sorry, sir.”
Anyway, on our last journey, we lost Mr. Baconpants to a radiation overload or some such thing. We also took on a Brave New Traveler.
However, during the writers’ strike, as we were hanging out in the backlot, we discovered that Peter Sanchez dot Com, who played the Brave New Traveler, didn’t mesh well with the rest of the crew. So, he has been written out of the show. Also, despite the elaborate funeral and sending his body into the CHESSNOID nebula, Mr. Baconpants is back with us. We’re just going to go about things as if the last episode never happened.
Except for the Blogolope, of course, which I’m sure isn’t going to pose a continuity issue at all. Copywrite, Ink, James T. Kenibatz.
“That’s ‘Copyright’, no ‘Ink’, sir.”
“Thanks, Mr. Syaf.”
…Copywrite James T. Kenibatz.
“Idiot.”
“Did you say something, Mr. Syaf? Was logging and wasn’t paying attention.”
“No, sir.”
“Didn’t we use those lines last time, Mr. Syaf?”
“Yes, sir, but not all the writers have returned from vacationing, er, striking at The Kat House, so we’re having to do some recycling of lines. And plots.”
“I see,” replied the Captain. “So, what appears to be the problem this time, Mr. Syaf?”
“I think Mr. Baconpants can explain it best, sir.”
The Captain turned to Mr. Baconpants. “What is it, Mr. Baconpants?”
“Aye, Cap’n, the blogolope must’a weakened the Allscm.com shielding on the Webd360 matrix, ’cause the engineerin’ deck is flooded with Omicra, and we donna have enuf Komirad filters to a’sorb all that radiation.”
“Easy Tech Talk, Mr. Baconpants, easy on the tech talk,” replied the Captain.
“Aye, Cap’n. It means we’re all gonna die!”
“You said that last time, Mr. Baconpants. And you did die. But it was because of the CyberSurge caused by Rammel Firdaus, the sabetir sabotre sabitre guy who sabotaged the ship. He was with the Digital Lost Boys.”
“Aye Cap’n,” replied Mr. Baconpants. “But the Digital Lost Boys are all gone. This time it was the Blogolope. We gotta do something, eh?”
“Mr. Baconpants, are you Scottish or Canadian?”
“Aye, dunno, eh? I just read the script they give me! And the script says I oughtta say we’re all gonna die!”
* * * COMMERCIAL BREAK * * *
Is the grey hair in your beard or mustache making you look old?
Then shave it off you fool!
Geesh.
* * * END COMMERCIAL * * *
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Supplemental
Mr. Baconpants, Lt. Commander Syaf and I discussed our dire situation during the commercial break. Syaf made a joke about my toupee, so I had The Professional Assistant send him away.
“Cap’n,” said Mr. Baconpants. “Lt. Simply Fiona says that the Blogolope is on the comm and wants to speak with you, eh.”
“Is Lt. Fiona our new communications officer?”
“Yes, Cap’n.”
“Is she hot?”
“Aye, she’s Just a Girl in Short Shorts Talking About Whatever, but when she came aboard, there were High Fivez all around, eh.”
“Well, Mr. Baconpants, I sense that today I might just get A Lil Sumptin Sumptin, which will be like Just Another Day.”
“Aye, Cap’n,” said Mr. Baconpants. “For you anyway, eh.”
“But, wait, Mr. Baconpants, can our translators actually translate the language of animals?”
“Aye, wen it be conwenient fir da plot, sir.”
“What was that, Mr. Baconpants!? Russian? Ebonics?”
“Aye, I dunno, eh! I justa reada whatta dey whryte fir me ta say, eh. I justa donta dink dey’ve gotta’na feel fir me karaktir since da stryke’s dun been ower! Me justa do-a da best me kan wit wat dey givun me, no!”
“Mr. Baconpants, I think the writers are just phoning it in.”
“I, Cap’n,” replied Mr. Baconpants. “N da reesepshunist kant spel wert a darn neiter!”
“All right, Mr. Baconpants,” said the Captain. “Just take a Breather and tell Lt. Keeyit to patch the Blogolope through!”
“Aye, u meenin Lt. Fiona, eh, no?”
“What?”
“Newer mynd, Cap’n. Justa pressa a-button n go ahed n talk cos he’s ben waytin un hold, eh.”
“Oh, yes. I sometimes forget we have computers with AI’s. Press the button for me, Mr. Baconpants.”
“Aye, Cap’n. Me a-wondring y dey haven’t misspilled ur lynes so badly, eh?”
“I’m reading from the cue cards, Mr. Baconpants. I never memorize my lines.”
“Aye, Cap’n. Oh, I see them now. Okay, pressing the button now, Cap’n.” Mr. Baconpants jumped up and pressed the button for the Captain, who could have more easily reached it.
“Captain Kenibatz?” said the voice over the speaker.
“Yes?”
“Captain James T. Kenibatz?” asked the voice over the speaker.
“Yes?”
“Jim, my dear old friend.”
“I’m not your friend. We’ve never met,” responded the Captain.
“James, my dear old friend. You left me alone out there. You said you would come back.”
“I never said I’d come back,” replied the Captain.
“You never came back.”
“Again, we never met before,” insisted the Captain.
“Ah, James, my dear old friend. Did you know that revenge is a dish best served cold? Very, very cold. It’s very cold in space.”
“I’m in the mood for some Cheap Eats,” replied the Captain.
“I shall leave you as you left me,” said the voice over the speaker, which then paused for a moment. “Buried alive.”
“We left you in engineering,” said the Captain.
“Buried alive!” repeated the voice over the speaker.
“In space?” asked the Captain.
The voice over the speaker was silent.
“Does this sound familiar to you, Mr. Baconpants?” asked the Captain.
“Aye, Cap’n. It was probably in a movie,” said Mr. Baconpants.
“Is it the translator? Could something have been Loft in Translation, Mr. Baconpants?”
“No, sir, it’s Hollywood.”
“Explain, Mr. Baconpants.”
“There are only ten scripts in Hollywood, and they keep recycling them,” explained Mr. Baconpants. “We’re bound to end up places other men have gone before, sir.”
“Welcome to My World of Dreams, Mr. Baconpants.”
“Sir?”
“Where has the blogolope gone?” asked the Captain. “And aren’t we overdue for a small cliffhanger and a commercial break?”
“From Hades’ heart… I stab at thee. For hate’s sake I spit my last breath… at thee,” said the voice over the speaker.
“Well, sounds like we’re in for A Cheerful Day Ahead!” said the Captain.
* * * COMMERCIAL BREAK * * *
Sasha says that When Life Becomes a Book, it’s time to subscribe to The Strategist Notebook!
Mom Knows Everything and shares it with you each month in the pages of TSN. Columns like The Zen of Motherhood, Soap, Blings & Girly Things and Confessions of an Everyday Housewife will keep you in the know! Plus, each issue will give you a Reason4Smile!
So, subscribe today. Or else, Sasha says, “Don’t Make Me Get The Flying Monkeys!”
* * * END COMMERCIAL * * *
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Supplemental
Security Chief Chris Bloczynski and I discussed our dire situation during the commercial break. He believes the Blogolope is a dangerous creature and beyond his expertise.
“I believe this creature is dangerous and beyond my expertise, Captain,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“I’m still logging here!” exclaimed the Captain.
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Still supplemental. Okay, where was I? Oh, Blah Blah Blog. I guess I was done.
“Yes, Mr. Bloczynski?” asked the Captain.
“I believe this creature is dangerous and beyond my expertise, Captain,” said Mr. Bloczynski, again.
“You said that already. Now, Following Forward, what do you suggest?”
“Well, sir, we could try some Loopy Gadgets from Gadget Junction and technobabble, but sooner or later the audience will realize we haven’t the foggiest idea what we’re talking about and complain that we’ve violated canon by using some Chill Technology that we’ve previously used for something else, or some such thing. I think the writers just make stuff up as we go along.”
“Very well, Mr. Bloczynski, so again I ask, what should we do?”
“Well, Captain, the Blogolope is certainly not The Alien Next Door we’re used to encountering. You know, the ones that look just like us, except they’ll have pointy ears, or ridged noses or bumpy foreheads or something.”
“Like the Barking Aardvark?” asked the Captain.
“No, sir, the barking aardvark was a barking aardvark. It wasn’t humanoid, sir.”
“But the Blog Duck, he was humanoid, right?”
“No, sir,” replied Mr. Bloczynski.
“What about the Laughing Ducks?”
“Those were still ducks, sir. Avians.”
“Avians, those are like humans, right? Just with feathers. Just people with feathers, isn’t that so, Mr. Bloczynski?” said the Captain.
“No, sir.”
“But the Cats with Thumbs, they were humanoids.”
“No, sir.”
“But they had thumbs,” the Captain retorted.
“They were cats, sir.”
“Avians?”
“No, sir. Cats are felines,” reported Mr. Bloczynski.
“What about the Atomik Kitten?”
“Still a cat, sir.”
“But, she could sing!”
“Still a cat.”
“What about The Happy Rock?”
Mr. Bloczynski sighed. “That was a rock, sir.”
“But, it was happy!”
“Yes, sir. And Totally-Useless..”
“Teach Me to Make Money Online, Mr. Bloczynski.”
“What about the Blogolope, Captain?”
“He can Grow Rich Along With Me!”
“The Blogolope wants to kill you, sir. He wants to destroy all of us.”
“Well, Something is Wrong with that plan then. Why don’t you suggest another? You’re the Security Chief. Secure the ship!”
“Yes, sir.”
Mr. Bloczynski sighed and left the Captain’s ready room.
“It’s like I’m on a ship of fools,” said the Captain to himself. “I Should Have Bred Iguanas.”
* * * COMMERCIAL BREAK * * *
Are you lonely and single?
“Yes,” replied the Blogolope.
What!? Who!? No, you’re in the show. You can’t be in the commercial.
“But, I’m lonely and single like you asked,” said the Blogolope.
No, but, you can’t be in the commercial. You’re in the show.
“I’ve been so lonely ever since my wife died. While we were abandoned by Kenibatz, she had this parasite go into her ear and consume her mind. It was horrible.”
You were trapped in engineering. Alone.
“What? Et tu, announcer? I shall leave you as you left me, buried… alive!” said the Blogolope.
You were stuck in engineering. Alone. On a ship. And, you’re not supposed to be in the commercial!
“Buried… alive!”
Oh, for Pete’s sake…
* * * END COMMERCIAL * * *
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Supplemental.
Mr. Bloczynski has gone off to research John Chow’s Blogging Expertise to learn some Adsense Tips and figure out How I Will Be Rich. Meanwhile, I’ve found My Perfect Escape from this mess.
“I’ve figured out how to get rid of the Blogolope, Lt. Syaf!” exclaimed the Captain.
“Yes, sir?”
“Yes, Lt. Syaf. We’ll just lure him to the stargate and push him through the event horizon!”
“Wrong show, Captain,” replied Lt. Syaf.
“What do you mean?”
“We don’t have a stargate, sir. We have ships,” responded Lt. Syaf.
“They’ve got ships,” replied the Captain.
“They also have better ratings,” said Lt. Syaf.
“Oh,” said the Captain. “So, what does that mean?”
“They’ll probably reboot the show, replace us with younger actors and hire that guy that did the Godzilla knockoff with TeamDroid Pictures to direct it.”
“Oh, no!” said the Captain. “I’ll have to find a new job. Maybe I could be a lawyer or something. Oh, but I had a bad album, but my commercials were well-received. Oh, my, I’ve got 100 Different Things to do. I need a resume. Who does resumes?”
“Did you try the Design Print Blog!”
“I’ve Tried That, but everything’s electronic these days. I need something to go from From Ink to Ether. I Can’t Get Rich with nothing but Brokentype. Help me, Lt. Syaf. Help me!”
“Sir,” answered Lt. Syaf, “What about the Blogolope?”
“I can’t be concerned about The Blogscape right now! I have to find a Tasty Blog Snack to pack my Lunch in a Box. Oh, I’m going to be homeless. I won’t have a job. I Hate Your Job. What will I do for work? What will I do for money? Will I have to sell A Little Piece of Me each day just to pay the bills? I have to find the Everything Finance Blog. And, The Simple Dollar. Oh, Lt. Syaf, please run along. I Do Things, and I have so much to do!”
“Not the Blogscape, sir, the Blogolope. What shall we do about the Blogolope?” asked Lt. Syaf.
“Oh, I can’t worry about that now. Go hire an Alien Hunter or the Oil Offshore Marine or something. Maybe the Savage Knight can do something. I don’t know. Oh, good grief, I’m going to have to be a *Thrift Store Shopper! The horror. Wonderland or Not? Definitely not! I need to get a copy of the Net Business Journal…”
“But, sir.”
“I Am Facing Millions of debts, Lt. Syaf. I need to figure out My New Hustle! I am so Lost in Technology I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll lead a Chicken’s Life Every Every Minute of every every day as I try to avoid those collection calls. Sigh.”
* * * COMMERCIAL BREAK * * *
Are your creditors calling you at all hours harassing you for payments on your credit cards and other balances?
“Yes!” replied the Captain.
Oh, what is going on here? You’re part of the show; you can’t be here.
“But, I need to get these collection agencies off my back!” exclaimed the Captain.
“Ah, Captain, we meet again,” said the Blogolope.
Now there’s two of you here? This is a commercial break!
“We’ve never met before, except before, but not before before,” said the Captain.
“I shall leave you and the announcer… buried… alive…”
“That’s all fine and well, but I have bills to pay. Okay, Mr. announcer, what were you saying?” asked the Captain.
Stop the Ride! I’m getting off. You’re not supposed to be in the commercials. This is too weird…
* * * END COMMERCIAL * * *
PERSONAL DIARY: I appear to be lost in some distant part of the universe on a ship–a living ship–full of strange lifeforms. I was walking down the hall with my colleague Dr. Jackson talking about our move to Wednesday nights when I found myself here. I must have been caught in a wormhole or something. I see no sign of Dr. Jackson. It’s not so bad here. Already I’ve seen some Cincinnati Babes playing Queen City Hoops, which reminds me I need to find some little blue pills in a BlueJar or at least some Blue Beaver Beer.
“Captain! The Blogolope has done something to Mr. Baconpants and taken control of the engineering deck on level Zr5!” exclaimed Lt. Syaf, entering the Captain’s ready room.
“All hallowed is the Blogolope,” said Mr. Baconpants over the intercom.
“Captain! Mr. Baconpants is completely under the Blogolope’s control! I think he may be using The Thought Sponge Worm to do it!”
“Kenny Brane,” replied the Captain.
“What!?”
“I’m Kenny Brane, a.k.a. the Boston Brat, of Brane, Poole and Demp.se/y. I was named Attorney of the Year by The Uncanny Brain Broadcasting Blog for four years running. Would you like to sue this Blogolope for violating the DigitalORDER?”
“Captain Kenibatz?”
“Kenny Brane!”
“Captain Kenibatz,” said Lt. Syaf, “Are you suffering from John Cow Disease?”
“Kenny Brane! I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! But, I still have some Scraps of Mind left.”
“Captain! Snap out of it! The Blogolope has control of Mr. Baconpants! We have to do something!”
“Let’s get Beyond the Rhetoric here,” replied the Captain. “You have some Interesting Observations and I’m sure this is all Bread and Roses to you, but I’m Smart Not Cheap so if you want me to take your case, you’re going to have to show me some real Llama Money. And, when does lunch get here? I’d like an order of Soup Number 5, a Burgey and a Bimbo With a Twist.”
“All hallowed is the Blogolope,” chanted Mr. Baconpants over the intercom. “Read the Euro Yank New World Order Reports and follow the Revellian path. Unbelievers will be BlogStruk and forced into E-World Vu. Change Your Thoughts and save your soul. All hallowed is the Blogolope.”
“Captain,” said Lt. Syaf, “You’ve got to do something! The Blogolope has started his own religion down there and is promising everyone the Secretalife! But he has A Blog That Lies and nothing can be believed!”
“Kenny Brane!” answered the Captain. “Have you ever read The Strange Adventures of Petunia Happenstance and her Chicken of Destiny by Lillie Ammann?”
“No, Captain,” answered Lt. Syaf. “Have you? Can it help us?”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. I haven’t read it but Michelle and the City gave it five stars. Kenny Brane!”
“All hallowed is the Blogolope,” Mr. Baconpants continued to chant over the intercom. “All hallowed is the Blogolope. If you don’t follow the Blogolope, you are Going The Wong Way. Follow the Blogolope and enjoy Enriched Living. Think Simple Now and join me. Commander Beth Allen II, Ensign Terence Chang, Mike Folan, Shaun Low, Doctor Phil McDonnell, and Ensign Etienne Teo have all joined the Blogolope. So has Cadet Ryan Shamus. They are all enjoying Digital Daydreams in the Vaguetarian Tea Room. Join us for Balls and Walnuts, Mottekaero Mister Donuts and Rubber Corn Dogs at Roshidan’s Cyber Station. All are enjoying the ride. Join us. All hallowed is the Blogolope.”
“Do you have Any Apples?” asked the Captain. “Kenny Brane!”
“Apple Are in the mess hall,” answered Mr. Baconpants over the intercom. “All hallowed is the Blogolope.”
“Don’t Stopover there!” exclaimed Lt. Syaf. “It’s a trap!”
“Oh, Go Smell the Flowers,” replied the Captain. “I’m hungry and my Vegan Momma won’t let me eat any meat or milk or cheese. So, apples it is! Kenny Brane!”
“Captain, that may be Life in Vegas for your mother, but out here in My Hush Space, we can’t take any chances. Can’t you see, Captain? Don’t you see the signpost up ahead! We’re entering… The Techie Zone!”
“Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do,” chanted Mr. Baconpants over the intercom.
* * * COMMERCIAL BREAK * * *
Next time, on an all new Web Trek, Captain Kenny Brane, er, Captain Kenibatz and his crew meet up with his old colleague Alan Jackson, er, Doctor Jackson and, oh, I’m so confused.
“So was the TARDIS,” replied the Doctor.
What!?
“May week’s in June,” replied the Doctor.
No, no, no.
“Yes, it is.”
No, I mean you’re not supposed to be here. This isn’t your show.
“I’m the Doctor. I’m allowed everywhere.”
No, this is a commercial. You don’t belong here.
“Why is no one ever happy to see us?” asked Tegan.
Oh dear…
* * * END COMMERCIAL * * *
PERSONAL DIARY: I don’t know what just happened. I thought I was a lawyer, but now I seem to be a part of The Daily Fuzz.
“Captain! We must act now!” exclaimed Lt. Syaf.
“Captain? No, I’m just a Sergeant. T.J. Bloggrrl. How can I help?”
“Captain, oh my Captain!”
“Sergeant. Sheridan’s the Captain.”
“This isn’t Babylon 5!” cried Lt. Syaf.
“Babylon Drive?” replied the Captain. “You take the Road Less Unraveled down to Exit 78 then turn right onto Ardor of the Heart Boulevard. Take that to Summer’s Nook and the next street will be Babylon Drive.”
“No, no, Captain,” said Lt. Syaf. “We’ve got to do something about the Blogolope. Half the crew is under his control now.”
“Right, Lieutenant,” replied the Captain. “We need to head to Rebecca’s Peaceful World and bring in ChiQ Montes - WordPress Theme Designer, Average Joe Blogger, Cubicle Denizen and Cyber Brahma for questioning. Then, take an armed patrol to the VREmpire Lair and arrest Speedcat Hollydale Page and Don Biz Blogger. I don’t know what they’ve done, but they were all on Bloggings Most Wanted so I bet they have something to do with all of this.”
“No, Captain,” replied Lt. Syaf. “We know who’s behind this. It’s the Blogolope. He wants revenge against you. He wants to kill you.”
“All I ever wanted was An Ordinary Life. I just want to go home with Home with Heather, er, Stacy, er, Amanda. Oh, I don’t know. There have been so many women. Just Jessie, the Wilson Six, Shonnte, The Sassy Southerner, Heather’s Hot Mess, Dr. Deb, Kristin, The Diva Network (all of them), Debo Hobo, The Budget Babe, Cardiogirl, the Brainy Bimbo and The Catlady and oh so many others. Oh, and the Valley Girl! How could I forget her? They were all so Missylicious! Then there were Kevin and Paula, but that’s something I’d rather forget. But all I ever wanted was to be alone with Jennifer’s thoughts, A Mind Forever Voyaging, living A Simple Life, a Real Life, Living and loving every minute of it. Running Wildly through A Nice Place in the Sun, experiencing Moments Of Randomness, Just Another Day in Paradise Sitting in Silence at The Rocky Mountain Retreat, Forging Iron Man.”
“Wait, what?”
“The Truest Thing is A Quest for Relevance. Lying Awake in Rochester, I heard a Voice in the Night. ‘And the legend lives The Malaysian Life,’ the voice whispered in my ear. I don’t know if it was one of Scourge’s Ramblings or Amanda:Mama’s Musings, but it moved me. I realized that Peace is Every Step when Exploring Autumn in Melissa’s Idea Garden. And So It Goes On.”
“Captain, are you all right?” asked Lt. Syaf.
“I remember one Smatterday watching the Stretcher Jockey and the Cycling Widow head up to the old Zimmerhouse. I was just a preteen at the time and, looking through the window, I learned the Arts of Physics; it’s something that’s helped me with women to this day. I also learned that What goes under the sun should first go on The Bikini Body Diet. Oh, those were some Chimeric Day Dreams. I wish I knew How to Draw or that I had a camera. Oh, but those pictures could never be posted on the Norwegian Photo Blog! That jockey gave that widow some Misdo Link Love, if you know what I mean! That summer, I learned All Things About Her Fab Life. Those were some Tips Supremo! And the The Journey to 30 was a great time in my life. My Thoughts were Not Available on MySpace but I dipped Into the Inkpot quite a bit, if you know what I mean. And, then everything changed the day I found The Potter’s Hand in front of The Gaspards house…”
“Captain, the Blogolope…”
“I was meeting with The Laidback Buddhist and Master Halo 3 when we were attacked by The Underpaid Princess. We were reading (The Blog Formerly Known as) Taosbound at the time. She demanded a subscription to E-Revenue Select and entry into the Forex Trading Blog. Why she thought these Zen masters would have be able to provide any of that, I don’t know. But, we gave her some of Chip’s Quips and an AdSense Tracker and sent her to the OFW Center in Marketing Land. I don’t know if she ever made it; our Blog Sonar was broken and we never heard from her again. So, we had some Gorilla Sushi and talked about The Dragon Project while we did some Domestitchery. It was one of our Back Lot Projects in R Playground. Oh, the Places Remembered and Imagined…”
“All hallowed is the Blogolope,” said Mr. Baconpants over the intercom.
“The point is, Lt. Syaf, we can do the same to the Blogolope!”
“Captain!?”
“Yes, Lt. Syaf,” replied the Captain. “It’s me. Don’t know what happened there, but I’m back. Back from the future, or was it the past? Anyway, The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks and he says, ‘Say Cheese!’”
“What?”
“Say cheese! Blogolopes hate cameras! That’s why no one’s ever seen one. That’s why we couldn’t find it in Engineering! No one knew what a Blogolope looked like!”
“Great Scott!” exclaimed Lt. Syaf. “You may be on to something!”
“It helps that I’m Nuttier Than You,” said the Captain.
“Yes, sir.”
“We might have been looking for a Rich Minx–not a Blogolope! Okay, Lt. Syaf, here’s what we do… You get the Boogie Mum, the Blogamama, the Groovy Entrepreneur and the Groovy Vegetarian together in the lounge and have them start dancing. If the Blogolope passes by, he’ll be mesmerized and won’t be able to leave until they stop dancing. So, make sure they never stop dancing. Keep on dancing. Keep on keeping on. Keep on keeping on keeping on dancing.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Then, get The Contest Winner–she’s a lucky gal–and have her guard the shuttle bay. We don’t want the Blogolope getting off the ship. Have Mr. Javo and Willis Chan stand by the transporter room. We don’t want him beaming off the ship either.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Then, get me a Pianomomsicle. I’m still kind of hungry.”
“Yes, sir,” replied Lt. Syaf.
“Yes, sir.”
“There’ll be no Sweet Escapes for the Blogolope!”
“No, sir,” said Lt. Syaf. “Any more Guidance for Victory?”
“Yes, you have Permission to Peruse the Live Laugh Blog. I’m sure you’ll pick up some Blogging Bits and Blogging Tips there.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Get the rest of the crew out there to form Picture Clusters. Have them take photos everywhere. It’s Technically Easy–all they have to do is push a freakin’ button! There’ll be no more Hiding-N-Public for this Blogolope!”
“No, sir!”
“Next, have the Mobile Phone Geek block all outgoing calls. We don’t want the Blogolope spreading his religious dogma across the galaxy. Tell the Sewing Mom to make a net. Get The Copywriting Maven to do a press release to explain this mess away before the press puts their liberal spin on it and makes us all look like genocidal Blogolope haters or something.”
“Yes, Captain.”
“Plus, the Blogolope is afraid of Mouseki, but that doesn’t help us.”
“No, Captain.”
“Get Terri Terri Quite Contrary on the intercom and have her talk to the Blogolope. She’ll have him spinning in contrarian textual circles he’ll never escape.”
“Yes, sir.”
“All hallowed is the Blogolope,” repeated Mr. Baconpants.
“And, for heaven’s sake, shut that thing off!”
* * * COMMERCIAL BREAK * * *
Oh, why even bother…
* * * END COMMERCIAL * * *
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Supplemental
As Lieutenant Commander Syaf prepared to implement my plan to defeat the Blogolope, Security Chief Bloczynski rushed in with startling news.
“I have startling news, Captain,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“According to the Dumb Ox Daily News, The Insane Writer is holding ChrisBlogging hostage in A Room of Mama’s Own. ‘Boys Rule My Life,’ said the Insane Writer. ‘I was Not Trying for a Boy, but ended up with four anyway. My Life with Boys is like a Poewar!’ Is that your startling news, Mr. Bloczynski?” asked the Captain.
“No, sir,” came the reply.
“According to the Knoxville Trivia Blog, the Marketing Deviant has teamed up with the Miri Guy to complete a One Year Goal to locate the fabled Last Page on the Net. Oh, and the popular series, Life According to Lizzy, has been cancelled after the show’s star, Juliana RW, got pregnant and became a Mom of 3 Girls. Beth & Cory’s Mom is unhappy about the cancellation, saying her children enjoyed the Life Snippets offered each week on the program. Either of those your startling news, Mr. Bloczynski?” asked the Captain.
“No, sir,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“The Internet Marketing Mind reports there is Market Treasure to be found in The Quest for Comedic Stardom, hosted by Comedy Plus. The Daily Trend features a list of Weird Websites that can help you increase Your Website Profit with some very basic Net Hustlin’, but you have to have the Sense to Save your earnings or you’ll be left with nothing more than The Simple Dollar. To help you out, they’re featuring a 5-part series entitled, “Shoestring Smarts” plus a bonus article on how to MakeCentsOnline.com. Is that your news?” asked Lt. Syaf.
“No, sir.”
“I’ve just skimmed through DCR Blogs, Julie’s Blog, Santa’s Community Blog, SEO: Project search engine friendly web directory and blog, Orryally’s journal, Yogatta.com, McMunny Online, Patrick on Animals, Patrick on Music, So Veg dot com and the StampReport.com and, in all My Wanderings through the blogosphere, I don’t see anything else that might be considered startling news, except perhaps that Christy’s Coffee Break actually serves tea instead of coffee! So, Mr. Bloczynski, what is your startling news?” asked the Captain.
“It’s the Blogolope,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“Yes?” asked the Captain.
“He’s dead, Jim.”
“Dead? Are you sure?” asked Lt. Syaf.
“You can kick him if you don’t believe me,” said Mr. Bloczynski, “except that Mr. Baconpants
beamed him into the nearest sun, sir. It seems that, after the Blogolope died, the Thought Sponge Worm went a little loopy and made everyone infected a wee bit nuts. So, the first thing Mr. Baconpants did is get rid of the Blogolope. Well, after kicking him around a bit. So, yes, we’re all reasonably sure he’s dead. I mean, nothing can survive being beamed into the sun. Right?”
“So,” said the Captain, “No photos for Mike’s Photo Blog then?”
“No, sir,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“Bummer, that would have made headlines on Pro Blog Design,” said the Captain.
“How did the Blogolope die?” asked Lt. Syaf.
“We don’t know,” replied Mr. Bloczynski, “But according to the Inner Ink of the Writer’s Notes, apparently the translator wasn’t functioning properly. For instance, when the Blogolope was talking about revenge being a dish best served cold, he was really asking for food.”
“He was hungry?” asked the Captain.
“He starved to death, sir,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“But, what about the food? They invited us to dine with them?” asked the Captain.
“I don’t know what to tell you,” said Mr. Bloczynski. “You’ll have to ask the writers. Morgan Rants and Morgan Writes and what Trenton Makes, The World Takes, but none of the writers are taking responsibility for this mess, Captain.”
“Perhaps the actors should strike?” said Lt. Syaf.
“You mean us?” said the Captain.
“Yes, sir,” replied Lt. Syaf.
“Okay, we need to do some research,” said the Captain. “Lieutenant Commander Syaf, contact the Voiceovers by Tim McLaughlin Blog and see if he’ll strike with us. Won’t be much good if they can have people do voices while they just have puppets on screen or something.”
“Yes, sir,” replied Lt. Syaf.
“Mr. Bloczynski,” said the Captain, “Contact the Olympic Blogger and make sure he’ll be on strike during the Olympics. With no actors and no voice talent, plus no one watches the Olympics anyway, that will really hurt the networks. Then contact the Utah SEO and see if he’ll help us with some Net Monetization. We’re Aiming for Independence and, when we’re Blogging from the Bog, we want to make sure we’ll be making money doing it.”
“Yes, sir,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“Don’t leave yet, Mr. Bloczynski,” said the Captain. “When Mr. Baconpants is ready to get back to work, have him read up on the latest Fashion Style Trends in One of a Kind, Wisconsin. Make sure he checks out Sabrina’s Money Matters and Idea Sellers. Plus he needs to get some tips on Writing 5 to 9 because we’ll be striking from 9 to 5. Otherwise, The Blogging Experiment will fail and we’ll just have A Blog About Nothing and we won’t make any money.”
“Yes, sir,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“And, if we’re not making money, the networks will be able to stick it to us,” said the Captain. “It’s Write Now that we need to strike. Tell the crew to get their Moms Writing! so we have a bit of a head start. When Mother’s Home, have her download some Lessons from the Scrapbook Page and try to uncover some of Tina’s Treasured Thoughts.”
“Neatorama!” exclaimed Mr. Bloczynski.
“What?” asked the Captain.
“I don’t know,” answered Mr. Bloczynski. “It was my line in the script.”
“We’re on strike, Mr. Bloczynski,” said the Captain. “We don’t need to… where’s the cue card? Okay… We don’t need to read the script anymore!”
“So, I don’t need to read the line about Random Encounters of We?”
“No, Mr. Bloczynski,” said the Captain.
“What about mentioning Huckdoll, eastcoastlife and the Fat Doctor?”
“Forget about them.”
“What about rantbits.com? Or The King Kong Blog? Don’t we need to mention them?” asked Mr. Bloczynski. “Or Blogging Mix and Laura Williams Musings?”
“I think you may be suffering Link Addiction, Mr. Bloczynski,” said the Captain. “Stop reading the script! Don’t mention any more names. It only helps the network and their advertising dollars!”
“But the ExPat Mom will be so upset, sir,” said Mr. Bloczynski.
“The networks will have to deal with her,” said the Captain. “We’re on strike. It’s not our problem anymore.”
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Supplemental.
We’re on strike.
[ROLL CREDITS]
End.
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